what! work isn't fun?

[Uploaded a profile picture that I took in India, not of me]
Shocking realization. My work = not fun and high stress.

I reread some old journals recently and realized that work has been stressful for ...can it be since I started this job?! You know I think that's true, I remember watching the woman who hired me [who I like] create such a hostile atmosphere in her office that my new coworker started crying. I remember going back to my office after that panicked 'did I take the right job? I should have went with the state job'

There are parts of my job that I love. There is stuff that I hate and I don't believe it would change much in a different place. I don't believe in perfect...anything. In this climate of layoffs I feel nothing but gratitude that I have a job at all. So many do not have this.

I know someone who was in a very bad ski accident this week. The brain damage could be permanent. I look at my suddenly much smaller problems. I don't want to compare but I can't seem not to...things could be so much worse. Then I try to guard against is getting super critical of myself because it is so easy to go there.

In the sauna yesterday a friend was prodding me. She was concerned about my stress levels. She wanted to know what I was going to do. How I was going to take care of myself [by getting away from this job specifically]? She pointed out how bad it was to be under stress all the time.

I tried to explain to her that doing resumes, looking for something else that all takes energy and would be stressful. Which would not be a short term gain. I am trying to guard my time off, to exercise and take care of myself in other ways. ... But I feel limited.

ouch. Limited. Why does that sound so bad? Aren't we all limited by our breath, gravity, and an infinity of other stuff?

It seems particularly hard to recognize what should change and what to accept.
I guess I am not feeling very wise right now.