October ending randomness

My busy month is winding down. This may have been my busiest October ever. Busier than October 2007 when I was married twice? Yes I think so. 

There were so many wonderful things in October. The Montreal trip. The international labyrinth convention. Teaching my workshop. Challenge ECD. So much stuff changing at work for the better. Birthday celebrations. I always think of October being richly colored and this one certainly was - all wine, copper, gold and that blue October sky.

Right now I am trying to nail down three grain free recipes - pumpkin bars, cheesy squash and apple cake. I am comparing coconut butters and wondering why they can taste so chalky. Planning a little tea party. Doing pre-work for nanowrimo. It starts in a couple of days and it's so much fun [for me]. Oh and I must remember to donate this week and get that halo! The end of October is so sweet.

So much thankfulness to the October that is ending. *bow*

yeah for March

A fine time to muse over some stuff that I enjoy.

Here it is, we are a week into March and already it's shaping up to be a bit sweeter than February *knock wood*

Daylight Savings time soon, in just under a week. I love that illusion of more light.

Equinox! No matter how much snow is on the ground still the first day of Spring [March 20th this year in my time zone] is something to celebrate.

Playford and dancing. The first Saturday in March was our 31st Playford ball. That is not a typo, 31 years! It was a lovely affair. My wife sewed me a new gown. Gorgeous brick red/olive dupioni silk. Yet another friend has joined the dancing ranks and a good time was had by all. A full crowd but not crammed this year. I danced three evenings last week and although 3 hours a night is my current limit, I thoroughly enjoyed doing something completely unrelated to chicken pox.

Looking forward to the opera tomorrow. Looks like the snow will be holding off until after midnight. Though I am bemused that the reviewer says the direction 'keeps it real' wtf? I don't go to the opera for 'reality'! I'm looking forward to seeing it for myself.

feeling pain

So much is going on in world it seems. Although I acknowledged that in every age people have said that. But I suppose it can still be true for all that.

Another of my friends had a stroke this week. Sobering news of a shooting in AZ. I could go on of course.

I see people all around me filled with grief and I feel incapable of any coherency in this post but still I feel compelled to write it. Granted with little coherency, read on at your own risk.

I have the normal pain avoidance of my species but I don't want to respond to pain like a mindless automaton. I want to be awake while I live this life. At the same time pain, emotional or physical, hurts and I still have very little awareness of my flinch reaction.

And yet apparently 'all is well', the condition of the universe as these feelings crash around us like tidal waves. I am not awake but I guess I am grateful that I know it.

CSA 2010 and food

Our CSA ended this month and I have been thinking a lot about food in general. Our CSA is awesome and it was a really good year with lots of yummy veggies [the watermelon was inedible] but even though we dropped down to every other week it was SO MUCH FOOD.

I remember being in India and seeing the camps of people living on rock heaps right outside of the office building. And there was nothing you could do. There wasn't even a place for people to grow food for themselves.

Fast forward a year plus and I get so much food in my CSA every other week that I end up forgetting what I have and then it spoils and I end up throwing it away. It is really hard to not beat myself up over this.

What can be done? I try to feel grateful every day for all the blessings I have which include so many choices, so much food. I try to be conscious that food is important, I don't want it to be convenient and easy all the time. I want to put effort into giving my family and myself the energy to live our lives. I want to be aware and remember all those who have so much less. But still food goes to waste.

So even though I am busy, even though I get tired I am going to put extra effort into keeping track of the food we have and thinking about how to use it or store it for the future. I am going to try to make it a priority.

I have a head of broccoli yellowing in the fridge right now and soup is coming. If anyone has any ideas about how to make this easier I would love to hear them.

It's craptastic

This has been one of those weeks where I really need to chicken, else I'll end up climbing into a black hole of a hormonal well that may take me the rest of the summer from which to escape. [how many people just winced reading that...or maybe ducked and ran for cover..?]

what was hard:
-having to work part of my normal day off.
It was unpleasant but manageable until the week kept getting worse.
-at work, layoffs coming, people in 'my' position by 25%
This had everyone in pain, frustration, anger. It was almost impossible to shield it out. Thanks to my metaphor I can deal with the effect on me personally fairly well. When dealing with work=active addict my expectations are low. But the huge waves of anger and depression from everyone were everywhere. I felt like I was trying to swim in it and almost drowning. And what would be better; being one of those left with a huger amount of work or being one of those trying to find a new job? I can't even tell anymore.
-someone guessed my age at 15 years higher than it is
This just left me flabbergasted. It was the day of the above work announcement which must have also resulted in me looking like death.
-things all felt off
I couldn't get into a flow for anything. I dropped things, forgot things, was tired no matter how much sleep I did or didn't get. Combination of stress universe at work and mercury retrograde?
-Poison ivy
probably from my dog, since I did not tramp around in the woods last weekend like others did. so itchy.
-pms hormones made all of the above feel worse and personal
blech.

Wow, I hated typing all that out, it's been a such a week. But this helps me remember there were good nay great parts to the week as well.

What was good:
-3 days of perfect summer weather.
highs in the mid 70's with sun and a breeze. 3 days of weather happy.
-I love virgos!
and the virgo birthday season has started which includes some of my bestest friends. There have been presents and phone calls and chocolate soufflé and dinners out. Celebrations!
-my wife and family and friends
I am so fortunate to have a large network of people who have the time to talk with me, reassure me, and love me even when part of me feels like I'm choking on stress [and apparently look about 87 years old] and really exaggerating.
-in the midst of it all I was able to find space and be nice to me, sometimes.
sure I would love it if I could do it all the time and with ease, but still I could feel compassion and I could laugh and I could read silly adventure stories to distract myself.
-the tomatoes
my garden isn't producing many but they are glorious, and lucky me, others more blessed have been sending some my way, both fresh and salsa.

I hope this ritual wrapper helps me start the next week fresh. New starts to all who need them...share if you want about your week. I'd love to hear it.

it is a bit embarassing

But rock on Mexico.

One of my best moments of my vacation was last Wednesday night. Phone service is spotty in central Michigan, there aren't any computers so I fall out of touch with the rest of the world but during one of the intermissions they announced from the stage that Prop 8 had been ruled unconstitutional. The cheers rang out and I burst into tears feeling like my heart was soaring? singing? Just feeling I guess. It was intense in the best way.

There I was with a celebrating group thousands strong. And I was reminded that life is very good and there is so much to find joy in and to have all those women to celebrate it with was just icing on the cake.

The sangha of woman at the MWMF is a beautiful and uplifting experience though full of very imperfect beings, myself included. But the transcending of all our individual pains and imperfections is a glorious thing. This is one of the reasons I go; to remember how to be a part of a community and to feel safety.

breezy Beltane

Please do not ask me why blogger decided to jam the last 2 postings into the same day, because really I have no idea but I dislike it. Looks so weird.

Anyway happy belated Beltane to all pagan types out there and spring lovers or FOPs [friends of Pagans]. My holiday was really a stellar one.

Woke up early, did some errands with my beloved wife and felt grateful. Some much needed early mowing also got done. The Lilacs are already open and the air is dizzy with scent.

Had a fabulous time with some other pagans in which we chanted, bound our desires to us for the next 6 months, noshed, talked and so forth. There was more cheesecake. This time with a hint of maple and strawberries. There were conferences in the garden. It was extremely windy so we did our work inside, but it was still spring and beautiful. Again there was much gratitude

After the weavers left to go on with their evenings I listened to some Tara Brach and took the 3 refuges. Then my wife and I had tickets for the sold out late show at the Bryant Lake Bowl. First time we have ever seen Chris Pureka with a band. Good although a bigger venue would have been better for this but they wouldn't have the awesome mock duck rolls you can eat right at your seat. Gratitude rests gently on me like a mantle.

It was an excellent holiday. It was so full I didn't have time to make it to the parade at Powderhorn today. I wonder how the giant puppets did in all this wind? I hope May is starting out well for everyone.

gorgeous weekend

This was just one of those weekends.

It was beautiful and simple and fun and restorative. There was rest, although sometimes interrupted by hairball hacking. There was kindness. There was two evenings of dancing. There was incredible Indian food. There was reading. There was connection. There were friends meeting. There was sad news. There was throwing things away. There were plans of spirit. A normal weekend.

But I was not usual, I was blessed with ease. I was full of laughter and quiet. My interior was spacious, more than that, it was huge like I had swallowed an ocean. I had room to accept all of me and then others. I was happy. I was grateful.

I was awake, I still am...and tomorrow is a day off.

what! work isn't fun?

[Uploaded a profile picture that I took in India, not of me]
Shocking realization. My work = not fun and high stress.

I reread some old journals recently and realized that work has been stressful for ...can it be since I started this job?! You know I think that's true, I remember watching the woman who hired me [who I like] create such a hostile atmosphere in her office that my new coworker started crying. I remember going back to my office after that panicked 'did I take the right job? I should have went with the state job'

There are parts of my job that I love. There is stuff that I hate and I don't believe it would change much in a different place. I don't believe in perfect...anything. In this climate of layoffs I feel nothing but gratitude that I have a job at all. So many do not have this.

I know someone who was in a very bad ski accident this week. The brain damage could be permanent. I look at my suddenly much smaller problems. I don't want to compare but I can't seem not to...things could be so much worse. Then I try to guard against is getting super critical of myself because it is so easy to go there.

In the sauna yesterday a friend was prodding me. She was concerned about my stress levels. She wanted to know what I was going to do. How I was going to take care of myself [by getting away from this job specifically]? She pointed out how bad it was to be under stress all the time.

I tried to explain to her that doing resumes, looking for something else that all takes energy and would be stressful. Which would not be a short term gain. I am trying to guard my time off, to exercise and take care of myself in other ways. ... But I feel limited.

ouch. Limited. Why does that sound so bad? Aren't we all limited by our breath, gravity, and an infinity of other stuff?

It seems particularly hard to recognize what should change and what to accept.
I guess I am not feeling very wise right now.

away with shoulds -- first anniversary

I gave myself a gift last night. I had a block of time to myself and I spent several hours enjoying past posts on Havi Brooks blog. It was lovely and restorative and fun. This is the woman who inspired me to blog 100+ times in 2009 because she showed me a path towards freedom and away from shoulds.

As I was reveling in her words, deep in the archives of October 2009, I heard a inner voice 'hey when was it exactly that you started blogging again last year?' I would have guessed it was the 13th or 9th, but thanks to archives no one has to depend on my memory. It was January 3rd a year ago today.

I feel a bit teary when I think [again] about how a stranger can help a person [or many] by accident or design to a gift. I had a lot of examples of it this year. They give me hope that life can be good. This blog has been a doorway for me into a more spacious me with more room for fun. That's feeling pretty huge. And it's been basically guilt-free!

As for Havi since she is on an email sabbatical, I may just drop her a snail mail of thanks, because I think she rocks and I want to let people hear good things when I can. Here is one of the sparkley rocks I picked up in her blog archive last night. I want to do this the next time I feel stuck [which may be right now...]

"I am going to buy flowers. And by the time they wilt and lose their petals, things will be better. Or at least different. But I hope better." Andreas via Havi Brooks

my Cervyn

On August 1, 1994 a litter of border collies was born, 5 sisters,on a farm in Glenwood Springs, MN. By the end of September 1994 one of them had come to live with me.

She was a joy, quick learner, a great herder, a peerless communicator from a breed known for communications skills, a flyball champion, she loved frisbees more than food, hated water and she was my dear dog. Who, I believe, lived 15+ years of a pretty stellar doggie life, though not being a dog myself I can't be positive.

Her long life ended today, she failed very rapidly while I was away in CA. It seemed like she was waiting for me to get back so we could say good bye and I could feed her some cheese.

Which I did and now she is gone. And part of me is trying to remember just why we have these pets that we know will die and it will hurt so bad. And part of me is just grateful that I had her. And then there are other parts, but they all hurt right now except for the ones that are numb.

One of the most beautiful sights in the universe is a border collie flat out running over a green field.

full of Thanksgiving

Though not tummy-wise since it's still just morning and the feast has not happened yet.

word count 43024, I feel incredible, scared and full of awe. Who am I? This person who has written this many words.

While checking email I read the notice for Ellis' new video blog. I love her music and I also love the joy she radiates. I live in the same town as her so I have seen her perform many times, and besides the music she gives to her audience her transparent joy is amazingly affirming, the bonus gift. [Just realized I never talk about music on this blog which is odd considering how big music is in my life]

Sometime 3? or so years ago on her journal page I saw my first mention of nanowrimo and thought 'that sounds awesome. I want to try that'. It took a few years but here I am doing it and in the homestretch.
So a big heart thank you and bow is going out to Ellis for being the seed that got me to this incredible November and word count, in fact I am going to shoot her an email telling her that. I guess we never know when we may gift a seed to someone else.

Nanowrimo, just one of the many things in my rich life for which I am thankful.
Let's see what happens.

"write like the wind" Chris Baty

tropical storms are more than 'a bit of rain'

first word count: 23331

If you have been wondering "where are my snippets" rest assured you were not forgotten. I merely flew into Virginia Beach just in time for Tropical Storm Ida.


I never realized it before but when a hurricane is downgraded to a tropical storm it's still more than just a shower. And you there on the coast stop that snickering. I just lacked experience before. Well I can say that no longer.

I'll just go on the record for a few things:

First, electricity is a wonderful thing when you have it, especially if you need it for heat, hot water and cooking. [and computers]
Second, I love the workers at Dominion Power who got the power back for us by Saturday evening.
Third, I have the cutest goddaughter in the world. What do you think?

Can't see a picture huh? That's because once again blogger will not let me get an image online. Apparently the appropriate stars are not aligned, so you'll have to use your imagination. She really is adorable though.

heart work

Over 10 thousand words. I don't quite believe it. I guess not writing much before I would have assume that it would take way longer for me to write 10000 words, but there it is. My user name on nanowrimo is cervyn if any are interested though I don't have a lot out there besides my word count. I have been mostly writing.

This weekend we are participating in a couples workshop. It sounds like it will be wonderful and tiring and I bet I won't be writing my story this weekend because other stuff will be going on. But it should be totally worth it.

The weather has been lovely for much of this week. That nasty early snow some weeks ago is something I have tried to erase from my memory. I will just enjoy the warmth today. Glorious, in the sixties and the same for the weekend. It's wonderful.
I was overwhelmed with sadness earlier when I realized my friend was no longer alive to see this beautiful world.
Though what do I know maybe she still does.

first daffodils

Sometimes I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I have so much to be grateful for and one thing I am really grateful for this week is my wonderful incredible wife.

This week, the week before St. Patrick's day is when daffodils start showing up in the stores around here. I love them. They just make me happy looking at them and when they are open I feel like they sing the most beautiful spring-worshipping song and I love to listen to them.

I have been struggling with PMS related low moods all week. The kind when for no actual reason you find yourself thinking, 'perhaps I'll go home, hide in my bed and cry all evening'. Blech. When I was in the office on Thursday I saw daffodils on someone's desk and I almost mentioned them to Carolyn when we talked on the phone. I thought it would be so nice to have some. But I had PMS and well I just didn't bring it up. I felt too gloomy.

I came home super late from work that same evening and there sitting on the kitchen island was a vase full of daffodils just waiting to open. She had remembered all by herself and there they were. Then I wanted to cry because I felt so loved and listened to, even now I can't quite believe it. Life is good. I have been listening to them, feeling happier ever since.

Less than a week until spring! Renewal to all.

A Fundamentalist Fact

It is a fact that saddens me…some people like their world in black and white. Us and them. Right and wrong. I like to think I understand and empathize with that fear that drives us to try to simplify and control our world, ourselves and others.

I certainly know that fear of the mind of the void after death – which may not be a void at all but then who knows? No one knows, unless they know the truth for themselves. I love to act like truth is abstract and that there is one truth for everyone, but I don’t really believe that. I know if I know anything that truth is different for each person, that our own awareness colors all of our lives and our world into our own unique experience.

I know that I want my brother to be free of danger, free of shame, physically happy and to live with ease. I can pray this for all beings. [even politicians :)]

I also know that it sucks that my only brother can’t see past his own fear and nose to love and accept me the way that I am. Happy and content right now. Not some viewpoint he has of me from 25 years ago.

It bites that he won’t be at the wedding.

Space Issues

So I have been having space issues. I had a long standing written agreement with my venue that we would be able to decorate from 11-3pm the day before the wedding.

Then last weeks with less than 4 weeks to go they informed me that new circumstances meant they could not honor the agreement. These were circumstances that they had knowledge of for the past 4+ months.

My panic is probably better imagined. It was quite overwhelming. I was afraid friends would be mad at me that it happened, that they would need to put themselves out, that we would all be nervous wrecks trying to stay up late or early the day of the wedding trying to finish decoration. Let me add these are not elaborate decorations we are speaking of here. Setting up the room [tables and chairs] linens, place settings, centerpieces, and decorating a staircase.

There were 2 things that really irked me personally, no one took the time or responsibility to give me a big heartfelt apology for the snafu and I learned about the problem so late that I basically had no options.

I know I am living in the land of the Scandinavian here where a favorite joke is 'did you hear the about the man who loved his wife so much he almost told her so?' [surely in actual Scandinavian countries this is not true] but please an apology goes a long way, even if it's not your fault personally, even if you are apologizing for your organization.

Or maybe I am just oversensitive.

Then the complete lack of options, it was too late to reschedule anything. Too late to find another venue, to late to push the ceremony start time back, to late to have the rehearsal on another evening, too late to do anything but grind through and somehow make this work. People tell me not to worry, and I try to let it go. People remind me that everything will not be perfect but I'd like to think anyone who has read this blog knows I am aware of that...what bothers me is all the effort this mix up is asking of my friends and family. *sigh* We wanted to throw them a great party after they witnessed our marriage.

I am grateful to them from the bottom of my heart though. That their space for us and our wedding only seems to expand.

vacated and invited

I know it is a cliche but where did the first 17 days of August go?! Time whizzed by.

Quite a bit of time was spent on vacation in the middle of the MI woods without phones, or computers or anything. It was pretty blissful. The only thing that would have made it better was if wedding elves had completed everything while we were gone but no such luck. But we are so lucky in our house-sitters I can't really complain, they were super.

We came home to a huge to do list and the number one priority was getting the map inserts done for the invitations and getting them in the mail. Getting the inserts printed took a surprisingly long time due to people melting down at the print shop at work. Not from my job I hasten to add, my job was just 1 double sided color page copied 10 times and cut apart. Pretty small as copy jobs go. But my timing must have been bad because it took a full 2 weeks to communicate enough to get them finally done. I almost gave up and went to Kinkos until I found out how much they would have charged for the same small job [about 6x more] so I just kept pitching and it got done. The majority of invites have already been mailed and it feels great. My dh just has to gather a few more addresses and that will be it.

What I have been noticing the most is how this huge list of stuff can over ride feelings and reactions and authenticity. I can see that I could get so involved in details or trying to remember things that I could forget to enjoy the process and enjoy the last part of my engagement. Hopefully just having this awareness will help me remember to be thankful and to feel joy and wistfulness and love that is pouring in from all around. It is truly something.

Shoes, shopping and showers

Well my master bridal ninja [thanks IB] has told me the date of the shower in August. She has reserved a tea shop so that there will be no decorating, or cooking, or cleaning up at least not by us. It sounds like heaven. I am really looking forward to it. My dear one and I decided against having a couple shower, we figured it would make the guest list way too large and we both prefer smaller, more intimate showers. I think my sweetie may be miniaturing golfing at hers. It should be a blast for both of us. A completely unexpected bonus is my mom, 2 sisters and niece are invited but I wasn't really counting on any of them being able to make it. Right now it looks like 3 out of the 4 will be attending. I am so touched and so anxious to get this house cleaned up, and it's in less than 2 months. gulp. I know I speak for at least myself and my honey when I say being engaged can be a total trip. I mean it wouldn't be a real rite of passage if it was all smooth sailing. Right? It's excellent that I have vacation and party fun to look forward to because tomorrow will be grim. [see below]

Following true internet blogging tradition I am about to share a truly horrifying fact about myself. I don't like to shop much at all and I really dislike shopping for shoes. Ok, i really hate shopping for shoes. HATE it. I'd rather go to the dentist.

There now the world can despise me or at least shake it's head in wonder. I am not much of a shoe person in general, don't get me wrong I wear them but I only have 6 or so pairs...which means they do get a lot of wear and get worn out and then need to be replaced. Which means I have to go shoe shopping. And I am totally blocked. Not only do I need to look for comfortable shoes to get married in, but I need new sandals and tennies. That is at least 3 pairs I need to look for...my head might explode. Or more likely I'll come home with some sort of shoes in desperation and they'll end up not fitting right or something. le sigh. I'm off to DSW tomorrow, wish me luck.