I realized today if I wait for things to return to a more normal state I may not blog again for a month. Hell no. At the same time I don't want this to become a 'should'.
So I think I'll try for the short quick snippets just like it was nanowrimo time. [Only 40 days until nanowrimo, are you ready?]
An old friend had a massive stroke a little over a week ago. It's been a big, painful, tense time period. I am at a loss in many ways. Strokes don't run in my family so I know very little about them. But I am shocked and dismayed at how quickly and completely a health crisis can change a person's life. I knew this intellectually of course, but it's different to be seeing it first hand. Any calm that I retained is solely because of mettā. I hope everyone has someone to hug and feel grateful for this day.
Showing posts with label kindness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kindness. Show all posts
kindness under stress and shoulds
I feel like I want to title this post 'how to be kind'. I could probably use a refresher.
I have noticed that when I am under high stress I start feeling mean, mostly internal and directed towards myself. What amazes me is how it just sneaks up on me. After all these years you would think flashing red lights and maybe sirens would go off warning me that I am approaching dangerous stress levels. But instead my poor body/mind/heart keeps on trying to adjust to those new stress levels and I feel either slightly crappy [or sick or tired or, or, or]
When feeling irritation or aversion with strangers or sometimes loved ones for no real reason I do try to remind myself that we are all human. I try to grope for some kind of connection or even try to drum up a feeling of compassion. I also try to not stuff my feelings, if I am irritated I do try to name and accept that emotion. [internally, not spraying it out on everyone within range] and I sigh a lot.
I have also learned that unless I can be kind to myself I usually don't have much of a chance of being kind to those I find 'difficult'. This of course in no news for those practicing metta, [or probably anyone] you always start with yourself when it comes to loving kindness meditation.
However what do you do when you are so stressed that everything, even things you like, seem like 'shoulds'? When you feel like you are just so overwhelmed by events that you can't just 'be' anymore? How to be kind to yourself when you feel like your heart wouldn't recognize kindness if it slept with you?
Right now I'm at the point where I ask myself 'what sounds like fun or easy?' and I am just accepting that the answer may be long time in coming. It just is.
So there are my babblings on kindness, shoulds and stress for the day. Not sure why I wanted to write about them but I did. It may help a bit to bring my awareness to the process and not stay in the middle of it.
Times like these make me wish for the ocean, I need more space.
I have noticed that when I am under high stress I start feeling mean, mostly internal and directed towards myself. What amazes me is how it just sneaks up on me. After all these years you would think flashing red lights and maybe sirens would go off warning me that I am approaching dangerous stress levels. But instead my poor body/mind/heart keeps on trying to adjust to those new stress levels and I feel either slightly crappy [or sick or tired or, or, or]
When feeling irritation or aversion with strangers or sometimes loved ones for no real reason I do try to remind myself that we are all human. I try to grope for some kind of connection or even try to drum up a feeling of compassion. I also try to not stuff my feelings, if I am irritated I do try to name and accept that emotion. [internally, not spraying it out on everyone within range] and I sigh a lot.
I have also learned that unless I can be kind to myself I usually don't have much of a chance of being kind to those I find 'difficult'. This of course in no news for those practicing metta, [or probably anyone] you always start with yourself when it comes to loving kindness meditation.
However what do you do when you are so stressed that everything, even things you like, seem like 'shoulds'? When you feel like you are just so overwhelmed by events that you can't just 'be' anymore? How to be kind to yourself when you feel like your heart wouldn't recognize kindness if it slept with you?
Right now I'm at the point where I ask myself 'what sounds like fun or easy?' and I am just accepting that the answer may be long time in coming. It just is.
So there are my babblings on kindness, shoulds and stress for the day. Not sure why I wanted to write about them but I did. It may help a bit to bring my awareness to the process and not stay in the middle of it.
Times like these make me wish for the ocean, I need more space.
knitting, the purple scarf and selfishness
Yes, I have been knitting. But because it was a winter gift I couldn't mention it here. It would have totally been my luck that the one time I am counting on my wife to not remember my blog she does remembers it and reads it and then finds out about the gift I am making in secret for her.
Since I was driving myself crazy trying to keep a knitting secret from the person with which I live it seemed totally foolish to speak about it publicly until the soft fluffy thing was done.
Now at last it is done, she loves it and I can share freely. Of course it is just a scarf so it's not that fascinating. The Harlot's one row pattern scarf, 26 stitches for about 5 feet out of lavender yarn that I found at a thrift store in Palm Springs. The yarn is Caron; Vim and the label does not look new. 50% mohair and 50% orlon, I was sceptical for awhile, but the price was right, the feel nice and it all worked out.
This is the fourth scarf I have made for her since we met almost 7 years ago. Hopefully this one will stick around awhile, they like to go off traveling by themselves.
I need to do more selfish knitting that I can blog about freely. It would also help if I knitted faster. I see for the past year I have worked on 3 things, 2 in total secrecy and the other for my goddaughter. [but that is just another Tulips sweater and most knitters have seen hundreds of them] I was thinking something for me next but I probably have enough yarn for a matching hat, and we are probably going to do another mich fest swap and I really want to do a couple of blocks for the michigan afghan....none of this is leading up to me knitting myself something. Oh well the year has barely started.
Since I was driving myself crazy trying to keep a knitting secret from the person with which I live it seemed totally foolish to speak about it publicly until the soft fluffy thing was done.
Now at last it is done, she loves it and I can share freely. Of course it is just a scarf so it's not that fascinating. The Harlot's one row pattern scarf, 26 stitches for about 5 feet out of lavender yarn that I found at a thrift store in Palm Springs. The yarn is Caron; Vim and the label does not look new. 50% mohair and 50% orlon, I was sceptical for awhile, but the price was right, the feel nice and it all worked out.
This is the fourth scarf I have made for her since we met almost 7 years ago. Hopefully this one will stick around awhile, they like to go off traveling by themselves.
I need to do more selfish knitting that I can blog about freely. It would also help if I knitted faster. I see for the past year I have worked on 3 things, 2 in total secrecy and the other for my goddaughter. [but that is just another Tulips sweater and most knitters have seen hundreds of them] I was thinking something for me next but I probably have enough yarn for a matching hat, and we are probably going to do another mich fest swap and I really want to do a couple of blocks for the michigan afghan....none of this is leading up to me knitting myself something. Oh well the year has barely started.
kindness and strangers and politics
So we have been out of town at the cottage [where I still do not have internet access] tons of stuff has happened in the past week+ and I am pretty sure I will never remember it all.
While we were away the MN senate race finally got finished. What a relief more money and resources will no longer be flowing down that hole. I know a lot of people who voted independent in that race because they really liked Barkley than the other two candidates [and I don't blame them] but it really bit us on the ass this time with having the race be so close that we have been short a senator for 6 months. I happen to dislike Coleman personally, so I would have voted for a dog to keep him out of office.
But politics is not the thrust of this post, it is a much happier topic how kind strangers can be. We were on our way home from the cottage, a caravan of 2 vehicles, and had just made it out to the state highway when a hose going into the heater core blew on the volvo.
I won't bore anyone with details but 5 hours later we were on our way again with an excellent patch job because of a couple of guys and their incredibly patient families who spent 2.5 hours helping us get back on the road. I am amazed once again by how kind people can be. We knew they weren't doing it for money but we tried to get them to take something to at least treat them to dinner but they all refused. May the blessings of all the goddesses rain down on their heads.
We also had someone else stop to help earlier, before we realized we couldn't fix it on our own and I was rendered speechless by his 'vote for marriage between one man and one woman only' bumper sticker. I appreciated that he stopped and offered help but I couldn't help wondering what he would have done if he had known we were gay [and married] Very odd situation. I was distracted, offended, and grateful all at the same time.
So the usual 2 hr 15 min trip took 8 hours and left me with a lot to ponder. I have to think that being kind to strangers [and those you know] is more important than how you vote. I hope I can carry the kindness forward through this month.
While we were away the MN senate race finally got finished. What a relief more money and resources will no longer be flowing down that hole. I know a lot of people who voted independent in that race because they really liked Barkley than the other two candidates [and I don't blame them] but it really bit us on the ass this time with having the race be so close that we have been short a senator for 6 months. I happen to dislike Coleman personally, so I would have voted for a dog to keep him out of office.
But politics is not the thrust of this post, it is a much happier topic how kind strangers can be. We were on our way home from the cottage, a caravan of 2 vehicles, and had just made it out to the state highway when a hose going into the heater core blew on the volvo.
I won't bore anyone with details but 5 hours later we were on our way again with an excellent patch job because of a couple of guys and their incredibly patient families who spent 2.5 hours helping us get back on the road. I am amazed once again by how kind people can be. We knew they weren't doing it for money but we tried to get them to take something to at least treat them to dinner but they all refused. May the blessings of all the goddesses rain down on their heads.
We also had someone else stop to help earlier, before we realized we couldn't fix it on our own and I was rendered speechless by his 'vote for marriage between one man and one woman only' bumper sticker. I appreciated that he stopped and offered help but I couldn't help wondering what he would have done if he had known we were gay [and married] Very odd situation. I was distracted, offended, and grateful all at the same time.
So the usual 2 hr 15 min trip took 8 hours and left me with a lot to ponder. I have to think that being kind to strangers [and those you know] is more important than how you vote. I hope I can carry the kindness forward through this month.
sadness filled heart
What a week, eh? I find it hard to voice my pain over the memos that were released this week. I spent the 8 years W was in office reminding myself that it was not forever, all things change eventually. That is the brilliant part about change, bad things don't last any more than the good ones. But the release of the memos is such a painful reminder for me of just how much damage can be done to [and by] a country in 8 years.
All the fear that is so prevalent due to the global economy woes with more and more layoffs being announced every day and now this heavy sadness on top. I am just trying to accept it. I guess because trying to ignore it or push it away is impossible [and would be unhealthy anyway] it is everywhere in the very air for me.
So I try to hold that in one hand and reach out with my other hand to what I can do. I can do my work, I can be nice to myself, I can do a couple of errands, I can re pot a plant, buy some stuff for my early garden in the south facing, by the house, sheltered part of the yard and I can look forward to the opera with friends tonight. Mostly I can try to be kind to all I meet today because really it's hard for everyone. Not one of us is alone.
All the fear that is so prevalent due to the global economy woes with more and more layoffs being announced every day and now this heavy sadness on top. I am just trying to accept it. I guess because trying to ignore it or push it away is impossible [and would be unhealthy anyway] it is everywhere in the very air for me.
So I try to hold that in one hand and reach out with my other hand to what I can do. I can do my work, I can be nice to myself, I can do a couple of errands, I can re pot a plant, buy some stuff for my early garden in the south facing, by the house, sheltered part of the yard and I can look forward to the opera with friends tonight. Mostly I can try to be kind to all I meet today because really it's hard for everyone. Not one of us is alone.
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