writing it out

I wrote over fifty-five hundred words yesterday. Word count = 12,874

I even got a little writing done at breakfast before training this morning, and I think I'll be able to eek out some more this evening.

Currently I am enjoying my story. It's in the same world I started building a couple of years ago, and I love fleshing it out even more. Some characters I enjoy are in the background. And my new young heroine, Althea, has been a delight. Pretty impressive for a 17 year old, but then I'm not her mother.

I am hiding in my story right now for good reasons. A friend got diagnosed with cancer last week and now we are waiting to hear what stage it is at--it's a frightening time. Enough to make an author retreat far away to a world where sudden illnesses are never sudden if you are the one writing them.

Seriously go hug someone you love, a pet, a tree. Because it's really all too short sometimes. xo

new challenge

I have spent most of the week pondering a new challenge [and not blogging] Now that the decision has been made I am petrified but have the mental space to share about it.

Like so many of life's challenges I am acutely aware this would not be a big deal to many, many people. My eldest sister, mother, wife, mother-in-law included. But for me it is a huge thing, one where all my perfectionism can come and play with every body image issue. Delightful.

For all that I am going to do it. I am sewing my own dress for the next Playford ball. I hasten to add that my wife is guiding me through this process as well as teaching me how to run a sewing machine. I have used a sewing machine about 3 times in my life and it's been over 15 years since the last time. Also my mil has volunteered her vast expertise, luckily she will be up visiting mid February, right in time to help me lay out and cut the silk.

So tomorrow: adventures buying pattern and fabric.

weird and odd Sunday morning

We were surprised this morning to hear our front door knob being turned at 7:40 this morning. It kind of creaks and we could hear it in the kitchen. Since we keep our doors locked it remained closed We looked at each other wonderingly.

I went to the front door with our rotty and decided that if it was someone we knew on the porch the dog would greet them happily and if it wasn't then someone was in for a surprise. Really, I don't know that I was thinking that clearly, part of me almost thought we had imagined the sound. I opened the door, the dog ran out barking and I saw no one.

However my wife saw the person run through our back yard to the alley, and then he stopped to open one of our car doors [which were not locked because of potential ice storms] she banged on the window and told him to get out. We figured then he was on something, because logically you don't run away from barking dog in a house where you know people are awake and aware of you and then stop to check out a car. Do you? I guesss I don't really know.

I spent the rest of the morning looking out of windows feeling very uneasy and then saw found out later from the large number of police cars in the alley that they had been looking for the guy all morning. Very weird and slightly creepy.

Not exactly sure what to think. But I am glad the doors were locked. I know that I don't feel as safe. I want to go dance as usual and I feel nervous leaving the house. Huh.
So strange and normal I guess.

not a happy post

*warning if you are depressed you may want to skip this one*

You know what sucks way more than work?
People you know dying.

I am left with eyes full of tears I can't shed for a nice person I only got to meet a couple of times. I never had the time to shoot him an email last spring. Because I was so busy. With work. The reminder was on my fridge for months.

Then I felt guilty, then my sour dough starter died, then I gave up, thinking 'eventually I'll get a new starter and email him...'

None of that matters now. I realize once again how hard it is to balance my life, to take care of myself and those I love and to work. I know nothing.

Water Works

We did it! Ok I did it. The water in the cabin has been turned on, and aside from slight flooding in the utility room [which was totally my own fault] it is working great.

I even got intimate with the hot water heater and figured out how to light it. It is amazing what a bed and running water does for a girl. It also made me feel a boat load of gratitude. There are how many people on the planet who don't have running water? Tens of thousands, millions? Mind blowing. They have no choice and they live their lives and ... well let's just say a big boat load of gratitude. We are fortunate.

The weather was decent. The wall paper borders are adhering with ferocity. A lot of primo work was done on the steps to the lake and a railing added. The ticks are everywhere, and yes it is in an area where there is Lyme's disease. Lots were pulled off the dogs, even the dog who had the frontline. We ate out 3 times! in 3 days. It's really hard to cook meals when you kitchen is barely set up with essentials. I don't know that May is going to be a bid sucess as far as 'no eating out'.

And then there was the spider. It was big and surprised me in the bathroom at a vulnerable moment. I could joke and say it was the size of a chevy or a kitten. I could be more accurate and say it was the size of a field mouse. But when I tell people it was the largest spider I have ever seen outside of a zoo, that seems to convey just how big it was. The conscious part of my brain was totally bypassed when I saw it and I went into flight mode and fled the bathroom, speechless. She [I assume] is no more. I am not proud of this. I ask all spiders publicly to stay in the ample wooded area surrounding our abode not in the house and then we can all coexist.

sadness filled heart

What a week, eh? I find it hard to voice my pain over the memos that were released this week. I spent the 8 years W was in office reminding myself that it was not forever, all things change eventually. That is the brilliant part about change, bad things don't last any more than the good ones. But the release of the memos is such a painful reminder for me of just how much damage can be done to [and by] a country in 8 years.

All the fear that is so prevalent due to the global economy woes with more and more layoffs being announced every day and now this heavy sadness on top. I am just trying to accept it. I guess because trying to ignore it or push it away is impossible [and would be unhealthy anyway] it is everywhere in the very air for me.

So I try to hold that in one hand and reach out with my other hand to what I can do. I can do my work, I can be nice to myself, I can do a couple of errands, I can re pot a plant, buy some stuff for my early garden in the south facing, by the house, sheltered part of the yard and I can look forward to the opera with friends tonight. Mostly I can try to be kind to all I meet today because really it's hard for everyone. Not one of us is alone.

closing week fright

I could write about the yummy palm sugar cookies I made today and question why exactly they were so crispy. I could bemoan the fact that it is cold and wet and snowing here this weekend. I could also try to write a more intimate truth.

We are closing on the lake house this week and I am freaking out! It is all going to become so real so very, very soon. I still have no idea if I will like spending lots of time in a lake house I am responsible for...I don't know how hardly anything works...I worry I won't have time, I'll lose activities that I enjoy doing here and now. Nothing is really in my control. Why am I making a big purchase when the economy is spinning? What if house prices drop even more and I kick myself? Why is this the week when I am so busy at work? What if work goes away like it did for over 600,000 people last month alone!! Is the weather ever going to warm up? Do all my friends and family think I am nuts to be doing this?

Basically, I am spinning around in my head. The fear of the unknown is something. And this is something I signed up for, it's not something that just happened to me. eeekk!!
....deep breathing...
Of course today I did realize I could get the red toaster oven for here, the toaster oven I have been craving since Rome and take my great copper toaster up to the lake. That made me pretty happy. I am such the appliance nut.

I will breathe and think about the new appliances I will now have an excuse to buy.

I never really wanted to go there

If you have been counting you may be wondering 'what is the 4th big thing that came up this past week?' Soon you will wonder no more.

The company I work for uses many vendors overseas in various parts of Asia. We are in the middle of transferring yet another mass of work from the US. It's pretty depressing, even though I guess the one thing you can say about this bad economy is that it is world-wide. We are all hurting. Anyway nothing is definite but I was asked Thursday afternoon if I would be willing to go to India for 4 weeks on business. I am simply blown away

India is not anywhere near the top of my "10 places I want to travel" list in fact my response to others who have gone to India has been horrible heat, rain, and bugs, not for me. But here is a situation where not only would my expenses be paid but I would be making money at the same time. It's unreal, incredible.

I am petrified and overwhelmed and stunned But really, fear is crap on which to base my decisions. I am no fool. My view is only a fool would turn done a chance like this. [Though of course one could have excellent reasons for not going.] India. wow. I 'll miss my wife so much and I hate missing my wife. My friends and my family would be so far. I would be so far away if an emergency came up. 4 weeks plus is quite a long time, because I would do at least a little traveling once I was over there as well.

It sounds like I will go in July, just in time for the monsoon season and it will still be hot. wow again. My head is still kind of whirling when I think about it. One thing I will need to think about is how will I answer the common question 'are you married?' I don't want to lie, but it's probably not a safe idea to tell the truth. Certainly one thing that will have to get thought out, much more later I am sure.

Of course nothing is definite yet but if it happens it probably will be one of the life changing experiences of my life. Right now is just seems like a totally unreal part of a very stressful week.

A Fundamentalist Fact

It is a fact that saddens me…some people like their world in black and white. Us and them. Right and wrong. I like to think I understand and empathize with that fear that drives us to try to simplify and control our world, ourselves and others.

I certainly know that fear of the mind of the void after death – which may not be a void at all but then who knows? No one knows, unless they know the truth for themselves. I love to act like truth is abstract and that there is one truth for everyone, but I don’t really believe that. I know if I know anything that truth is different for each person, that our own awareness colors all of our lives and our world into our own unique experience.

I know that I want my brother to be free of danger, free of shame, physically happy and to live with ease. I can pray this for all beings. [even politicians :)]

I also know that it sucks that my only brother can’t see past his own fear and nose to love and accept me the way that I am. Happy and content right now. Not some viewpoint he has of me from 25 years ago.

It bites that he won’t be at the wedding.