not new at all

I was rooting around in my blog trying to find my posts on self-compassion.

But there weren't any.

I was flabbergasted for a while. This whole thing I have been doing since June which I totally love -- I haven't written about it.

Seems strange. Why did this happen? I came up with two possible answers.

In the same time frame there was the new garden, also loved, and I talked about it instead.

or

This could be one of those things that sounds stupid when you try to use words. So I didn't.

I'm betting the second is the winner but I have decided to give it a try today.

Last June I took a wonderful "dealing with shame" workshop. I was introduced to a new book on Self-Compassion. I found much of it completely wonderful. Perhaps it was just the right time or perhaps it was the writing style but although many of the concepts were not new I absorbed them differently and they turned me different colors.

I became aware that although I had thought self-compassion a wonderful thing. It was not something I felt very often. It was not present viscerally in my life. Once I started a self-compassion practice I noticed much more ease around working with habits and patterns. In some cases I moved through difficulties more quickly and when I didn't I could give myself compassion for that as well. It has become a dearly loved tool to help me thrive.

I admit I am not satisfied with my words above, but I comfort myself with the idea the writing about experiences is just very hard.

To sum up: You may like this book [and practice] as well.

Why not get it from the library and find out? Also I learned I love oxytocin.

stopped waiting

It was silly but apparently I was waiting for the heat to break so that I could feel better. With my brain on molasses mode it took days [and days] for me to realize:

a] not exercising was making me feel really crappy [and crabby]
b] perhaps it would be useful to figure out a way to exercise in spite of the heat thus feeling better sooner

It took awhile but finally I gave up on the expectation 'summer = exercising outside' and headed indoors to the Y and started running there.

Much better. It makes me giggle to think of my slowness.

breathe, breathe

Word count = 12,700, you can find me under user name cervyn if you want to look yourself.

So little written this week. Paid employment sucked up a huge amount of time and energy this week.

On one hand my total seems so low, I will need to average about 4000 words a day in order to meet my glorious goal.

On the other hand, just the fact I got 500 more words written this week is a triumph with the week I have had. So as I pat myself on the back for that I will also try to coax my shoulders down a little more and not hunch over my computer.

Because the main point is the fun, and you know the writing is still fun. There are 10 days left in the month and it's all about Thanksgiving and Nano from here on out.

Hmm, I kind of suck

Seriously, my word total sucks! 5533

So little writing got done this week! But now my time is opening up a bit more, we had a 9" snowfall which encourages staying home and the writing can now continue.

Will I finish in time? I certainly don't know. Hm I am only about 20,000 words behind

While I didn't have time for writing this week I did have time to struggle with my favorite self criticism. I don't critique my writing attempts but I feel that I failed at self care this week. Why is this still so hard at times?

I have the hardest time setting limits, pushing myself when I am too tired. I would have thought that my friend's stroke would have helped me focus on what is important health-wise...but it's still such a struggle. How to take time to exercise, sleep, be quiet? And not beat myself up when I feel like I fail and fail. sigh.

Although it does encourage me to know that lots of other people have this issue... not being alone is a great comfort.

a break is coming

All next week in fact. I have the whole week off from work and I really need it. I plan to write, run, laugh, knit, cook perhaps do a little painting and completely luxuriate in this most fabulous of seasons and months; October!

This may mean that little blogging gets done or I may feel moved to blog a lot. Heck if I can get it to work I may even post pictures. My wife has time off as well which does not happen too often and we will be celebrating an important day together next week.

I try to not live my time in the future. There are a lot of wonderful things right now but it's a bit hard to remember. I try to turn my mind away from the worry of work and my friend who is trying to recover from her stroke and has a blood clot in her leg. It is a bit uphill.

Still I can look at my front locust tree turning to gold against the blue of a perfect October sky and something eases in my chest. I can feel fed and here for a minute. I can remember it's my eldest sister's birthday and feel lucky in love and family.

I hope it's a splendid day where you are.

knitting completion and recharge

Although they had some periods of agonizing slowness I did get my 2 knitting projects done. Though not by the end of May or even the end of June, although not for lack of trying on my part.

Let's concentrate on the part where the knitting got done and how I am pretty happy with it. I think I showed true creative tenacity in sticking with those projects when all kinds of roadblocks popped up. I even succeeded in keeping comparisons to a minimum [like RWC encouraged] And now I seem to have flowed into one of those periods where the yarn feels right and there is all kinds of ease...my creativity flowing out of my fingers naturally and thought not getting in the way.

Lots of credit has to go to my fiber partner who devised a brilliant series of creative workshops full of fiber that could be successful under less than ideal conditions. [think outside, no shelter/roof, with only 2 tables, heat, humidity, large numbers of participants and running water 50 yards away]. The effect it had on me was like a huge creative battery getting recharged.

'see this is what is possible...' It pushed the limits of my creative process in the best ways. Then towards the end of the week the 'learn to knit' where I watched again people getting it as I varied the ways to show them, connect them. I was reconnected with my knitting on a visceral level, funny how teaching can do that for you. It was like they were sharing the new neural pathways they were creating with me.

The Festival can have a profound effect on one if you are in a place to receive that. This year I was given so many gifts of focus and connection, it was delightful and unexpected. My self care was spot on, truly came from a place of listening clarity. I was also so honoured to have a framework where I could give from my heart, truly it can be a delight to give from a place of ease, it only increases joy. Even the resultant tiredness in the extreme humidity was just what it was. No issue.

Well I'm babbling and full of woo, as you can tell. Words can't really describe how glorious it was. Probably silly of me to try. Ease to all.

ice cream makers are dangerous

Combine them with hot sticky weather and you don't have a chance.

It was a lovely weekend, I got to hang out with 2 friends that I don't see very often, one on Saturday and one on Sunday . We huddled in the air conditioning feeling grateful for coolness and talked and talked. Very different from the weekend before, this time the talking went both ways.

On Saturday as I visited with the co-creator of IMAD, we made ice cream and as a nod to IMAD had side by side home pedicures.

An ice cream maker, especially if you have the freezer space to store the 'bowl', means home made ice cream is only an hour or so away at all times. I'm sure not having it every night during a heat wave helps me grow as a person. Or perhaps the heat affects my brain so that I don't realize I could be making ice cream. Anyway this weekend we made chocolate coconut ice cream.

EB's Chocolate Coconut ice cream ..based on many recipes

Whisk together or use your stick blender

2 cans coconut milk don't bother using 'Lite', you're making a treat!
1/3 c of agave nectar
2/3 c of cocoa
2 t of vanilla extract
1/2 t of sea salt

Place this in your ice cream maker and process 20 minutes or so until it is starting to set up then add

1/2 c of unsweetened flaked coconut

Finish processing and ripen in freezer while giving yourself a pedicure. Then enjoy. See if you still have some left 3 days later.

Stay cool all.

the sovereignty and change challenge

One of my favorite authors wrote another post about sovereignty. I love mulling over her thoughts on this topic. I have been thinking about sovereignty all year [though not really writing about it]

Today I was feeling sad about all the change in my life. And how I don't like them. I'm not even really analyzing the changes, I am just feeling tons of aversion and feeling/thinking 'ack I do not like'. Then after the mulling I realized something.
this Change make me feel less sovereign.

The illusion of control that I always think I don't believe in is still dear to me on some levels. and when tons of change that I don't like swirl all around me, affecting me, I feel less in control of me, my life, my person. I start feeling invaded. Which then just increases the aversion to the change. This change I can't control, I never did. But somehow I was still fooling myself thinking that I did.

For instance, I can accept that there are tons of stuff related to the gulf oil spill I have no control over, it affects me in a way, it grieves me. However it does not personally rock my sense of personal safety. Perhaps because I don't have a lot of expectations? Oh and I live on the other side of the country. When I look out of my window I do not see the gulf or shore.

I can use the above as a mirror of what is happening to me with these hated changes. Most of the changes I am dealing with have been made by the very large company where I work. I have no control over them and I never did. These changes are right in my back yard though, every time I look in a certain direction I see them. I feel like they are something I need to avoid, resist, fight in order to maintain any peace for me [and any piece of me]

I would love if I could somehow know clearly that while these changes may grieve me, they may certainly affect me, that they don't impinge on the real me, my safety, my sovereignty. I would love to feel that in my gut and my neck.

This is yours big company, this is not me. This over here...still me.

kindness under stress and shoulds

I feel like I want to title this post 'how to be kind'. I could probably use a refresher.

I have noticed that when I am under high stress I start feeling mean, mostly internal and directed towards myself. What amazes me is how it just sneaks up on me. After all these years you would think flashing red lights and maybe sirens would go off warning me that I am approaching dangerous stress levels. But instead my poor body/mind/heart keeps on trying to adjust to those new stress levels and I feel either slightly crappy [or sick or tired or, or, or]

When feeling irritation or aversion with strangers or sometimes loved ones for no real reason I do try to remind myself that we are all human. I try to grope for some kind of connection or even try to drum up a feeling of compassion. I also try to not stuff my feelings, if I am irritated I do try to name and accept that emotion. [internally, not spraying it out on everyone within range] and I sigh a lot.

I have also learned that unless I can be kind to myself I usually don't have much of a chance of being kind to those I find 'difficult'. This of course in no news for those practicing metta, [or probably anyone] you always start with yourself when it comes to loving kindness meditation.

However what do you do when you are so stressed that everything, even things you like, seem like 'shoulds'? When you feel like you are just so overwhelmed by events that you can't just 'be' anymore? How to be kind to yourself when you feel like your heart wouldn't recognize kindness if it slept with you?

Right now I'm at the point where I ask myself 'what sounds like fun or easy?' and I am just accepting that the answer may be long time in coming. It just is.

So there are my babblings on kindness, shoulds and stress for the day. Not sure why I wanted to write about them but I did. It may help a bit to bring my awareness to the process and not stay in the middle of it.

Times like these make me wish for the ocean, I need more space.

Running report week 3a

Well that was a waste of a good rant. But it certainly set up a good laugh for me.

Full of glowing self care I did running week 3A of my own devising. Since I didn't have the podcast to give me timed cues, I did it by distance.

So the good [great] news is I have been running a whole mile [not continuously], a modest increase of a quarter of a mile [or so] from the week before. But something changed when I started paying attention to distance...or perhaps it was just a super tiring week so I ran slower?
Imagine my wonder, chagrin, then amusement when I looked at how long it took me to run my 1/6 and 1/3 mile intervals. About 2+ and 4+ minutes, which gave me an estimated total of 14 minutes total. That was quite the surprise

Those of you who are into numbers and have good memories are probably thinking; hmm, 9 to 14 minutes is in itself a pretty big jump and also 14 is really not that much less than 16. You are right. This was the source of my laughter. Fueled with righteous indignation at C25K asking too much of me, I made up my own week and then it ended up not being all that different.

It also made me realize that I am going way slower than the average C25k runner. My pace certainly not up to 1.5 miles in 16 minutes yet.

I do think week 3A was a good thing. Those 14 minutes [1 mile] pushed me a lot and I don't think I could have done more. It ended up being a good increment for me. Perhaps I can do more than I realized. It's so hard to know when to push and when to take care of yourself, especially when you are doing an activity where you could injure yourself.

We spent some time up at the cottage the past week [one of the reasons for lack of blogging] and I ran outside for only the second time. The packed dirt/sand, barely traveled roads were comfortable for running. The humidity was not though. I need to be much more aware of the weather if I am going to run outside, do it earlier. So onto week 4. I am still a bit nervous about it [not sure why] but I'm going to see what happens.

Running report wk 3

It was a strange 'week 3' [8 days] in running land. I had my first almost stitch. ow. Also I hadn't paid attention to what the interval change was going to be for week 3 so the first time I listened to the podcast I almost walked into a wall.


2 [90 sec] intervals and 2 intervals of 3 minutes?! Basically my totals don't change, I am still only running for 9 minutes total but the duration of the interval doubled for 2 of them. I am thinking my notion of gradual increase is not the same as other people. The whole 5 minute warm up I grumbled to myself 'why not an increase of 5 intervals of 2 minutes' but then I went for it. It was hard but doable. It felt fairly discouraging though to be working so much harder and to not see my totals really change, although I think my distance went up from 2/3 of a mile to 3/4.

After the first grueling week 3, run one, run two was fairly easy. At least I knew what to expect. I had a nice long rest between them so that helped. Week 3, run 3 I did yesterday and it was back to grueling. I was also conflicted, 'should I start week 4 the next time?' 'should I keep at this pace for awhile?'. I knew I couldn't handle another big surprise so I went and looked at Week 4.

2 intervals of 3 minutes and 2 intervals 5 minutes in length, increasing the total running minutes from 9 to 16 [running about 1.5 miles] and decreasing the amount of walking recovery. In fact by the end of week 5 I am supposed to be running 20 minutes [2 miles] with no break at all.

This is when I knew that C25K's idea of gradual and mine had widely diverged. So I am moving on to week 3.a of my own devising. Since I will no longer have the wonderful podcasts to time things for me and tell me when to run or walk I will need to pay attention more to distance than time, although I will keep track of my over all time. [if I can remember it]

So I'll start with a 5 minute walk and then do my intervals by track length hereby referred to as TL. I'll run =1TL, walk=1TL, run=2TL, walk=2TL, then repeat those intervals, then cool down walk. That should have me running about a mile, and each interval is a slightly longer run. This is more my idea of a gradual increase. I hope I'm not aiming too low, I do want to keep on with this, but I am just not ready to jump to their week 4.

I am really going to miss those podcasts this week. Wish me luck implementing this, it requires way more brain power.

Running report wk 2

So here I am all set to give the week 2 running report. It's been rather cool and rainy, wonderful spring.

The first thing I noted was that week 2 didn't really change my totals too much. It seemed like a nice incremental increase. Week 2 is 5 minute warm up, (90 seconds running followed by 2 minutes walking) x 6 followed by the 5 minute cool down. 9 minutes running instead of the 8 in week one. And when I calculated my distance about 2/3 of a mile up from a half. Seriously it seems so strange to type those numbers. Me? really? I am running 2/3 of a mile? That must mean I ran 2 miles last week. huh.

The 'week' only lasted 8 days this time, so my body is either acclimating better or I am just handling all the strangeness better. I stopped lifting weights with my legs, I am going to hold off on that until I feel stronger. Upper body weights continue. I have structured my exercise more carefully so as to not double up on stuff on the wrong day. I had a fabulous massage where she worked out the pain in my knee by rubbing quad muscles. That gave me more confidence that any knee discomfort was muscle related. Knock on wood there has been way less of that this past week. I also did a vigorous 3 mile walk with a friend, dancing one night, and a fun spinning class without burning my body out.

So basically I am very please with my level of awareness and self care with the whole running + other exercise in 'week 2'. I appreciate how no matter how sluggish I am the running seems to get my heart rate up to the zone I need. Makes my life a bit easier. The podcast was motivating and all went well. So I am onto week 3's challenges. Perhaps I'll get a run outside if the rain periods cooperate.

Of course I have no idea still if I like running

non coherent triumph

I finally realized that if I wait until I can string 2 coherent thoughts together this blog may languish for even longer, so here is my random smattering.

What I have been doing: my taxes, exercising, first bike ride of the season [finally], dancing with my wife, the newish sax player in Roxy Hall is so awesome, coughing [still] and work, work, work. Banging up my knees and trying to be patient as they heal.
What I have been reading: Kim Harrison's latest.
What I have been writing: my novel. word count = 71,122 My partner and I have a 3000 word challenge to ourselves by next Monday [who's with us?]
What I have been knitting: Not much but I have a sleeve to finish on god daughter's sweater and another swap! Eek, only 6 weeks left on that swap. I am totally intimidated or something.
What I have been thinking: Why am I so tired? Tail end of illness or a bit of allergies? Did I actually ever like my job? What would it be like to have a job I liked? Is that even possible?
What I am planning for the immediate future: More biking, circle tonight, Y with wife tomorrow, OT for work Saturday night, concert on Sunday. Listen to Tara Brach dharma talks.

What I wish for us all: Rest and ease.

how well do I know myself?

Sometimes the answer seems to be 'not too damn much at all'.

Before I expand on that I want to thank everyone for the good wishes and report that last night I finally slept, and I feel like a nearly normal person again. The virus is on its way out. Oh and happy Easter to all who celebrate today.

So the new thing I hinted at yesterday, I now have the brain power to blog about it. I am doing the couch to 5K program. For those of you who have known me for years remember to breathe through the amazement and disbelief. No I don't think we all slipped into a wildly alternate universe and I am pretty sure I have not been taken over by aliens. And really it's pretty weird for me as well, although I do have the advantage of knowing my process behind it. Many events and people have been part of my journey here without realizing it. If you want to hear it read on. Warning: it's a long one.

For those of you who haven't known me for years let's just say that the idea of me running for exercise seems ridiculous. Something I neither desired or ever considered a good match for me to put it mildly. Biking, dancing yes, elliptical machines fine, but running... no.

This did not come on suddenly though. It was year or so ago and the health list I have long been a part of was talking about holding a 5K run at the convention last summer. Due to India and money, I wasn't able to go to the convention, but it was, as always, interesting to hear the runners talk about their plans. I believe it was around that time that TJA told us all how she had been training and running at the Y. I found this enthralling since I knew that she had knee problems for years and that she wasn't a size 4. Yet she was doing something without pain, without making her knees worse that she always wanted to do - running. It was awesome and I was so happy for her. I also remember thinking so not interested in doing that. It's not for me.

Last summer which shall also be known as the 'shoe hell' summer I bought 3 pairs of sandals and I did not go low end. I bought Tevas, Keens and Clarks. I got home from India in September and my feet were killing me. I was starting to have pain in my right heel no matter what I did or what I wore. I was terrified I was getting plantar fasciitis. [I have 2 friends who are dealing with it] At the same time I was doing some of my consults that are part of resiliency training. I talked to the physical therapist about my frustration with my shoes and pain. She encouraged me to get running shoes and explained that even if I never ran they were still the best for support and cushioning. I decided I had nothing to lose.

I took my wife for support and went shoe shopping. Nordstrom's was having a big sale so we stopped and I told the clerk I wanted running shoes. He turned my current shoes over to look at the treads and said "you need to be careful when you buy running shoes you are an 'under pronator' [or supinator] and most running shoes correct for the opposite problem." He then found a pair of running shoes half size bigger than my 'normal' shoes for me off of the sale rack
they were asics Gel Kinetics. I bought them and never regretted it. Within 2 weeks my heel stopped hurting.

Lots of stuff things happened last autumn and winter. My wife and I started exercising regularly again. I did nanowrimo and was amazed at myself. As part of RT I learned that running was an activity recommended for my dosha. TJA had an upper body injury that derailed her running for awhile and I was finding her slow journey back to running incredibly inspirational. And I started thinking.

Why was I so sure I didn't like to run? I realized that I actually knew nothing of the sort. The very few times I had 'gone jogging' in junior high and high school it had been fine, kind of boring but I hadn't hated it. And I hadn't tried it since. I knew it was considered 'high impact' and that had always seemed like a bad thing. We went away to Austin and I missed my gym. I didn't feel like I was getting enough exercise just walking, how nice would it be to have one activity that was only dependent on having a good pair of shoes I thought. Here was a stunning thought: why not try it and see if in fact I liked running or not? Being sure to try it in the most stress less and easy way possible. I thought about what I needed. I needed new shoes [even without running shoes wear out in 6 months]. I needed comfortable bras with maximum support. I found both.

When I checked out the C25K program I was amazed at how similar it was to how my wife and I had started exercising back in October. It is very gradual and that's good. My body will probably go into shock a bit over this 'new thing'...but that's ok. New can be good, look at nanowrimo I said to myself.

So here I am in the bottom third of week one of C25K. I am using the podcast and enjoying it fine. I plan on going slow and I am alert for pain. Of course I don't know where this will end. I am committed to getting through the program as long as there is no pain but who knows I may find out that indeed I don't like running. That would be ok. At least this time I would actually know.

Once again I am amazing myself and that feels pretty awesome. I told my wife about it the first day and added the intervals in my head. 'I jogged for 8 minutes today' wow. If you had told me I would be saying that a year ago I would have laughed so hard I would have cried.
Let's see what happens.

friends and hill country

Happy Spring all! It's the vernal equinox.
We have had fabulous weather here in Austin. Warm and sunny, today we are getting rains to coax even more flowers into bloom.

Wednesday and Thursday were great days. We met a lot of fabulous women and got to hang out with a few. On Thursday we took a little trip into the hill country. I loved all of the stone buildings everywhere [stone is my favorite] and toured the river road along Guadalupe river. This was truly gorgeous, it's still too cool for tubing so it was fairly empty. The water was this incredible shade of turquoise like the pacific around La Jolla. I have never seen a river that colour and with the trees all leafing out and blooming it was truly spectacular.

I feel so fortunate in the people I have met, the beauty I see and having those to love. Happy Spring all!

a gift from the universe

I was given a huge gift last week from the universe. I have been babbling about it in email to virtually everyone I know.
A random comment on a blog I read gave me some new information. Tara Brach has an online presence. Who is Tara Brach? She is an awesome woman, who wrote an awesome book, who I whole-heartily adore. She also has tons on meditation/dharma talks online. Seriously I would marry the woman if it wasn't for the whole fact of us being married to other people who we love and... oh you know what I mean. Did I mention she is awesome in every way?

Well I could go on gushing about it. I could tell you how every other day I have been taking time for myself doing restorative yoga and listening to a download. I could spend time talking about how even though work is hellish I feel like I am feeling more spacious and at home instead of contracted and hard of heart and how it's a pretty wonderful and remarkable thing. But seriously, do yourself a favor and just go over there and check her out. That's where I will be this weekend when I am not working, dancing or packing. I am so grateful. namaste

updated word count

I am feeling a bit subdued and beaten down by the week and the atmosphere of grief I sometimes seem to be swimming in, but my word count [and my writing partner] were certainly a pick me up today.

Word count = 63,713

I'll be honest, grief is a theme of which I am getting a bit tired. I am wishing all a weekend of gentleness [unless that is not your thing] and self care of the highest quality.

wrapping up a week and blech goodbyes

Word count=62,022
Today I am not going to say 'where did the week go?' I am aware this week of the major suckitude that happened and why I missed my blog.
To sum up:

Work = big stress + funeral type atmosphere
This is partially caused by the fact that we are losing team members to a lay off at the end of the month. And everyone is fairly sure more layoffs are coming in April. Such a cheerful vibe at work.
Computer=nasty virus and death
My main laptop [work] caught big bad virus Tuesday. I do express my gratitude to the awesome guys who already had my new laptop on order and got it configured in record time this week. But now everything I do is slooooow, because I am redoing all my settings that were lost on the old one. Of course plus side new much needed laptop!
Surprise = big gulpy shock that I am processing
I got a big surprise from a friend this week. It's not really a bad surprise [not like November] but still. I am great in an emergency, but with other kinds of surprises the processing is pretty slow or awkward or something. I sit down now and my brain goes 'huh, what do I think about that surprise and what if anything should be done?'
Goodbyes = letting go?
I started thinking about how I dislike goodbyes when I had to take down the tree. We got an eastern balsam this year and it was a very dry fire hazard. It had to move on. I didn't want it to leave, I love it. That reminded me of all the times when goodbyes make me anxious. Not always, sometimes I feel the space of 'yes, it's time for this thing to end and me to move on' and life is full of ease. But sometimes goodbyes stress me out. And I can't find the pattern to it. Is it because I am not feeling finished? Is it because I don't want the fun to end? Is it because I am dreading the next thing coming up? Does some of this relate to childhood abandonment issues?

Just writing this though reminds me of the great things about the week. Like cheering on a friend who just started a new job, taking my first cycle class and loving it, having an awesome dinner and breakfast with friends, taking Friday off, new cheerful haircut, first monthly Resiliency follow up, January thaws, being in bed by 8pm Friday night and having a writing buddy [mini nanowrimo].

So I will gently commit [no shoulds] to getting some painting and writing done, to getting my new camera out of the box, to enjoy ECD tomorrow night and just be patient with surprises and goodbyes. All of us doing the best we can here. Here's hoping this next week has more space for fun.

no multi-tasking update

So over a month ago I shared an intention with you all. To stop multi-tasking when I am eating. Primarily no reading of books or computer stuff when I am eating.

It's been good. First I am still amazed at how ingrained this habit is, even today I was reaching for my afternoon snack and I automatically started reaching for a book as well, caught myself mid reach. Earlier this week I was eating some food at my desk, and didn't realize I had swiveled toward my computer until after I had read a couple of words. 'They' say a month to learn a new habit, but this one is going to take longer. I am by no means at 100% either. There have been times when I have eaten a bar or piece of fruit in the car while driving or packing my briefcase, sometimes due to lack of time and sometimes I have just forgotten. Then I get to practice patience with self as well.

I am noticing that sometimes eating is kind of boring. I am noticing that sometimes I don't want to stop what I am doing in order to have another cookie or helping. I am noticing that my monkey mind will try anything to entertain itself.
'hey is the furnace on?' 'hey, that music is too loud' 'hey let's put the kettle on for tea after'

Still I keep at it. Let's see what the next month brings.

Happy 2010

Word count: 60,698
Over 60k and still going. I feel pretty pumped that I got another 10,ooo words written in December considering all the other pressures and duties that the month brings.

2009 was an unhappy year for many people that I know. I certainly found it challenging in many ways mostly related to work and my trip to India. I experienced first hand the kind of patriarchy that I hope doesn't really exist in this country anymore [outside of a cult]. It was only for a month and I hated parts of the experience intensely. And yet I love so many of the people I met in India, and I am grateful for the new forms of compassion the trip helped me to develop.
Because of my India trip I got my first introduction to Amsterdam which is playing a big part in my dreams right now.
My work life showed me another aspect of how important self care is, and I am recommitting myself to another year of increased self care.
There was a lot of grief and fear wrapped up in 2009. I miss my dear dog and I watch my parents moving into their mid 80's and sigh about the cycle of which I am part. My mother has awed me this year and showed me yet again that change can happen no matter how old you are.
Two big gifts of 2009 were resiliency training and nanowrimo. For them I send a sincere thanks and namaste to Henry Emmons and Chris Baty. Not only have they changed my life through their work but I truly believe that they have changed the world. To me they are Bodhisattvas of freedom.
Wrapping up glad to be in 2010 feeling stronger and full of possibilities. Happy 2010 all.
Let's see what happens!