Can't Decide

There are things I want to blog about but another headache is making writing less than fun tonight.

So I went and pressed this. It gives me a smile and pause if nothing else.

But I wonder if some people would find it really irritating? Probably.

Does it depend were you are at in your life?

Other opinions? Trite? Bossy? Profound? True? Boring?

Happy 2012 to all!

not new at all

I was rooting around in my blog trying to find my posts on self-compassion.

But there weren't any.

I was flabbergasted for a while. This whole thing I have been doing since June which I totally love -- I haven't written about it.

Seems strange. Why did this happen? I came up with two possible answers.

In the same time frame there was the new garden, also loved, and I talked about it instead.

or

This could be one of those things that sounds stupid when you try to use words. So I didn't.

I'm betting the second is the winner but I have decided to give it a try today.

Last June I took a wonderful "dealing with shame" workshop. I was introduced to a new book on Self-Compassion. I found much of it completely wonderful. Perhaps it was just the right time or perhaps it was the writing style but although many of the concepts were not new I absorbed them differently and they turned me different colors.

I became aware that although I had thought self-compassion a wonderful thing. It was not something I felt very often. It was not present viscerally in my life. Once I started a self-compassion practice I noticed much more ease around working with habits and patterns. In some cases I moved through difficulties more quickly and when I didn't I could give myself compassion for that as well. It has become a dearly loved tool to help me thrive.

I admit I am not satisfied with my words above, but I comfort myself with the idea the writing about experiences is just very hard.

To sum up: You may like this book [and practice] as well.

Why not get it from the library and find out? Also I learned I love oxytocin.

please come back

Dear Peach Colored Zippered bag,

I really miss you. You were made by a dear friend who can make practically anything! You are subtle on the outside and brilliant on the inside. You remind me of her and many happy chats and adventures.

I don't just miss you, I miss all that you hold. Metal crochet hooks, a needle nest, darning needles, stitch markers, stitch holders and other knitting aids. You are so complex. I miss all parts of you.

I don't just miss you, I need you. I want you back in my life. You are important to me. Do I sound desperate? I don't care if I do. I could perhaps replace you but it would never be the same. It wouldn't be you.

Tell me what I can do? Spend more time knitting? Show you more active appreciation? I am willing to make changes if you will only come home.

Most sincerely hoping for the continuation of our creative partnership, EB

p.s. this love letter is not a metaphor

remember this - massage timing

I need to remember this and I am concerned that the foul headache [fowl headache? a goose of a headache?] I have right now will get in the way. So I am going to put it here.

Massages are wonderful, wonderful things. I love them and I adore the woman who does this for me. But there are after-effects from massages. [grogginess, spaciness, toxicity] If I have to go to another appointment after my massage and sit still and listen intently for 1.5 hours then I will stiffen up. My poor body will not process all the good that was the massage.

I need low key spaciousness after my massages. I would love to remember this the next time I book a massage.

sigh.

xmas 2011

I have been thinking about this year's xmas and decided what I really need to do is Friday chicken about it. [The link will take you to the explanation of this wonderful ritual on the fluent self.] Even though there is no Friday nearby.

The Grinchy Stuff--

Blue Music --I played a xmas album from my childhood and I was propelled into a cranky and weird place. It took me several songs to realize this and turn the damn stuff off. Then I was sad because I didn't want the music to make me sad. Huh.

Rare insomnia--So little sleep the night before made me much less resilient. [and crabby part of the next day]

The haddock-- not skinned

Meaningless communications from afar--left me feeling inauthentic and grumpy. It also awakened a younger past hurt self which may be why the music affected me so much.

Missing friends who are sick -- :(

Bad Guessing -- Must return present, not the right size.

Pain -- hip, foot, neck, shoulder. Ow. Carrying a lot of pain and trying to be gentle about it. Hating how hard it is to sit.

Breaking -- brand new stuff breaking like mini acceptance reminders. Disappointing but I did remember to be curious about it.

The Sparkly Stuff--

Best Music--some xmas music did make me happy and this version of this song is my favorite this year. Does it make you want to dance? There was lots of dancing in our kitchen. I am shocked to find I like it better than the Chuck Berry version. Any other opinions on best music?

Dinner -- the food turned out wonderful. People ate more pasta than in past years, so next year cook at least 2# and make triple batch of Pollo alla Cacciatora.

Gifts -- The care and thought supporting some of gifts I received moved me to tears of awe. I love that people know me. Also my wife loved the gift I bought for her last June. It was totally worth waiting until now to give it to her.

Weather -- I have been grooving on the brown lawns and clear sidewalks. For once I don't miss the snow. I have been walking every day for 7 days in a row and watching the blackbirds with wonder. They are awesome. Today they all had patches of orange light on them as the sun hit their sooty feathers just right.

Halfway through Yule -- Feeling smooth as I swoosh downhill toward more revision time.

Dharma talks and Play time -- I had space and time for myself to do self-care, nurturing stuff. I was pretty good and hushing my gremlins who tried to tell me to do 'shoulds' instead.

winter solstice 2011

What a wonderful solstice this year! We got a bare dusting of snow yesterday afternoon and it was fun to see everyone's eyes lighting up when it started. Most were hoping for several inches but it was not meant to be. I felt upbeat over the sear, brown holiday vista. It was still solstice.

There were presents and my favorite mock duck rolls and a massage and laughter and hard cider. I opened my wonderful new scent. I chortled over a super drive for my air book. I reread The Dark Is Rising, that classic tale.

A lot of the laughter was generated by HOT CORN! at the Bryant Lake Bowl which has at least one more performance next week. I was also told by one whose taste I can depend on that the Klingons in Chicago still have honor. Through my tears I urge you to see the Klingon Xmas Carol if you have the chance that I, alas, do not this year. I also had tears, this time happy ones, from this story. Opinions can and do change.

All these delightful trappings aside the light is coming back, and in the end that is what makes midwinter celebrations so meaningful. As we start in on 12 days of festivities I hope all can find some joy or peace or ease. Perhaps all three.

no weather grumbles

In the spirit of "everything changes" my attitude towards snow and December has transformed this year.

Formerly I was, let's call it bitter, if we did not get snow in December. For years I saw it as my 'right' for living so far north. I certainly had a strong attachment to snowy Decembers and a whole snow fort full of expectations.

I had many brown Decembers as a child and back then I always yearned for snow. Currently I like snow and cold and all the seasonal fun stuff, and I do enjoy winter coming in with a white blanket. It puts me in a festive mood.

This year though we are brown and green and mild and I don't mind at all! It's like my eyes suddenly changed colors. It seems strange and natural at the same time. I think I got so full of snow last year that my snow cup is still full. Or perhaps I am just enjoying the now that is right here. My thyme is still green in my herb garden? I just picked some along with kale yesterday!

There is no snow on the near horizon and I feel fine. Grumble free! Me but different.

I hope everyone is gearing up for a peaceful week whether you celebrate the holidays, the snow or not. It's all good.