I had no idea, I promise

As I said last month post, it's been hot and humid. That hasn't changed, it's still hot and humid all the time. Every 10 days or so it dips below 80 and I realize that days have gone by with me in a complete fog!

Hmmm, is that true? Perhaps not a complete fog. I have been planning all sorts of 'stuff' for my labyrinth workshop. [Online registration is open now for the convention by the way.]  I am looking forward to it. I volunteered with my knitting group through June. I have been writing again and that feels awesome. It's still fun! But so much isn't happening. 

My garden is almost abandoned, I water it to keep it alive and pick blissful cucumbers but sit in it. Weed in it. Not happening right now. Cooking is a thing of the past and my sour cherry crop. Well there wasn't one. I find myself not wanting to move because I don't want to generate any excess heat. 

I am constantly trying to 'manage' the heat and my extreme aversion to it. Yeah, that's not working to well.  So...

Right now I am trying to be gentle with myself. Living with this heat may take some time to figure out. [really? my inner sarcasm peeks out.  hush] Perhaps there are tips or tricks that those who have lived or grew up in really hot places could share? I would love to hear some new ideas because I don't want to be a shut in the rest of the summer.

love letter to June

Dear June,  I am so very, very happy to see you. I don't know if I have ever felt this strongly about you before but right now I adore you dearest June.

Some people may say that I am comparing you to May which was an incredibly difficult month to have around and I suppose that's true. It can be hard not to compare. There were sweet things about May in the midst of the horrible. I remember them.

Still one result of the inevitable comparison is I am ready to embrace newness and change right now. I feel an eagerness and a trickle of energy along with normal apprehension.

So leaving May with a consoling pat and heart sigh,  and now sinking into you June. xoxox

the Butcher's block and catch up

May is zipping by at an alarming rate. [for me] It's the 11th, that seems impossible, but every calendar I check says the same thing.

One of the reasons it seems speedy is there is so much going on, which means tons to blog about with very little time to do it. So I am going to try to do snippets more often and ask you all to be forgiving [even more] of mistakes of all kinds.

Dining out for Life 2012 is over for the year but it was delightful as usual. My yearly quest to find a platinum level donor that uses a reservation system led four of us to the Butcher's Block this year.

The food at the Butcher's Block was delightful. We tried a wide range of dishes and enjoyed them all. Since I was still 'no grain' that evening I didn't have the pasta [or risotto] but our dinner buddies did with relish. 

Some highlights I loved and would have again. The eggplant saporite was rich and the artichokes and fennel in it meant I loved it even more. The chicken marsala was yummy-- the mushrooms and sauce so tasty. I am not a mashed potato fan though, I will try to get a different vegetable next time. The sole al limone was fabulous and a surprise. I wish more restaurants served this fish, it is one of my favorites. 

The weather was mild so we had a lovely 10 mile round trip by bike. This stimulated our appetite beforehand and helped the digestion after and we enjoyed the spectacular views of the river on the Third Street Bridge. You never see them by car. Truly a great evening for a great cause. I look forward to returning.

Coming up for me this weekend?  FriendsPlantSale and Shepherd'sHarvestFestival. I am fortunate to have a personal volunteer shopper at the plant sale so there will be lots of time with my hands in the dirt this weekend. I'll also pick up some fabulous new rovings for my workshops tomorrow. The weather looks good so I'll close for now by wishing you all a fabulous weekend! peace

happy, happy April [so far]

I have noticed that March was light on the blogging. Not sure what to attribute that to --travel perhaps. I do know that I miss it when I am not here. [Here at home and here on the blog!]

It is April and I am in a fabulous mood. Everywhere I turn my attention I notice happy stuff. I want to list some of it here. Actually I want to list it, then print it then eat the list, I love so much right now. Which sounds even crazier now I see it in print. *shrug*

Today I ate lunch outside, by my waterfall which was turned on and it was blissful. Lunch was a tuna and sprout sandwich with sorrel from my herb garden. It wintered over fine. Yummy. I was gifted some raw milk, which is one of my favorite things and have been delighted with every glass. Loving treats.

The pear trees are blooming as are the strawberries. The delphiniums are eight inches high. I can sit on my bench in the herb garden again. The city changed how we recycle garden waste. They now allow containers and I am so glad about that. The friends plant sale listing is out. Yay plants!

My house guests were here for most of the week. All last week I was braced for something to 'go wrong' with travel plans but it didn't! They came, they were awesome and it was wonderful. Of course they couldn't stay forever but I am not dwelling on the leaving part.

The knitting group I envisioned for Ascension Place got started by someone else. Now I can take joyful part in it and not have to organize it. I have been finding the space for my knitting and enjoying it a lot. 

I was feeling some stress again about finding light-weight pants for this summer but I have found someone to make them for me out of linen. It will be so awesome and I am so relieved. I will be able to deal with the heat if it comes.

I could just babble on and on today -- friends, family, spring, plants, animals are all so enjoyable. It's amazing to have this period of delight. Wishing delight to all. Share if you want about something fabulous. xo

Recognizing Passion

I have been playing with a question recently. What do I feel passionate about? There was resistance in answering that struck me as funny/odd. I felt like I was being too personal [with myself?!] Or perhaps I was expecting too much. [expecting to be human?]

It felt wrapped up in other words like -- Purpose. Gifts. Meaning to Life. Destiny [some of these made me want to hurl a bit]

Mottos, like 'everyone is here for a reason'.  Ugh

Underneath the stuff I greeted fear. No wonder I laughed nervously. 

What if I didn't have any passions?

Or what if I was sneaky about them? [to avoid hurling] Because there is stuff I make a priority. There is stuff I give my time and energy to, that I love. There is stuff about which I am fierce and tender.

So I asked someone I trusted what they thought were my passions. Their answer was helpful. [they didn't laugh] Then I sat for a space from which came words.

I am passionate about writing my stories. I am passionate about mindfulness practice.        I just don't call it that.

The question-What to do with old yarn?

An answer.

I have a few old balls of acrylic that would love to become art on some grey building. Something to ponder as I continue to enjoy spring-like weather. [and finish a baby sweater]

Next question -What was this week?

Answer-No idea, it felt quite odd.

Random thoughts:

I am still full of snow from last year's abundance. My new snowshoes are languishing as I smile at the green-tan yards outside. The ponds are watery stripes of grey.

Great meditation group last night at the common ground.

After months of desire my office is cleaned up. It only took 2 afternoons. I am trying to notice why it was so stuck for so long and why it suddenly shifted. I see nothing. I am forced to assume magic.

Tonight I am going out to see a new show at the Walker. "Brazen theatrical inventiveness" sounds exhilarating. Ok time to stop trying to write. When exhilarating looks weird I know my brain is shot. I actually had to look it up, I couldn't trust spell check.

Happy weekend all!

not new at all

I was rooting around in my blog trying to find my posts on self-compassion.

But there weren't any.

I was flabbergasted for a while. This whole thing I have been doing since June which I totally love -- I haven't written about it.

Seems strange. Why did this happen? I came up with two possible answers.

In the same time frame there was the new garden, also loved, and I talked about it instead.

or

This could be one of those things that sounds stupid when you try to use words. So I didn't.

I'm betting the second is the winner but I have decided to give it a try today.

Last June I took a wonderful "dealing with shame" workshop. I was introduced to a new book on Self-Compassion. I found much of it completely wonderful. Perhaps it was just the right time or perhaps it was the writing style but although many of the concepts were not new I absorbed them differently and they turned me different colors.

I became aware that although I had thought self-compassion a wonderful thing. It was not something I felt very often. It was not present viscerally in my life. Once I started a self-compassion practice I noticed much more ease around working with habits and patterns. In some cases I moved through difficulties more quickly and when I didn't I could give myself compassion for that as well. It has become a dearly loved tool to help me thrive.

I admit I am not satisfied with my words above, but I comfort myself with the idea the writing about experiences is just very hard.

To sum up: You may like this book [and practice] as well.

Why not get it from the library and find out? Also I learned I love oxytocin.

some seasonal things

Has my mental landscape resulted in a few dreary posts this week? I believe so. While the gloom is a true thread it is not the entire story so I want to mention the bright spots that were intertwined with the gloom, three leap to mind.

This week contained the anniversary of the day I met one of my oldest and dearest friends. I am so grateful for this amazing woman and I love her dearly. We spent a whole day together shopping, talking, laughing, eating and remembering. I hope I have many more decades with her in my life. A true sister of the heart.

We put our tree up and the lights on it. It smells like a magic forest. We used red and white lights for the first time and it looks like a giant peppermint. The tree shadows on the walls are delicate tracings of shadow lace.

Not all December traditions were canceled, I'm so grateful for that. The annual food shelf concert by Ellis was yesterday. I have been enjoying this performer since 2003, and this concert is a big part of my enjoyment. She tours so check her out the next time she is your backyard.

It's good to remember the shiny stuff that goes on in my life and to sink into the darkness of this month as a friend not as something to push away. After all the light is coming back soon.

why did I order that pizza?

Why do I keep ordering pizza I don't want to eat?

Background facts:

I love the homemade pizza I had as a child.

I love the pizza we had in Rome

I cannot replicate those pizzas here in the Midwest in my home.

No one else can either.

Dissecting what happens:

I start craving pizza. I haven't had it in months.

I start thinking about pizza and how much I enjoyed it in the past.

I start plotting -- I could have pizza soon.

Then I order some pizza .

I feel a glow of happiness-pizza is coming. yea!

Pizza arrives and it's not the like the pizza from my childhood or Rome.

I am disappointed in the pizza and don't enjoy it.

Wait about 4-6 months and it happens again! and again. and again.

I realize that occasionally I am a slow learner.

Grasping at straws I hope that if I write about it perhaps next time I won't order the pizza.

It's worth a shot, we'll see what happens come May.

Feel free to share tips on how you handle this, because it may not be pizza for you, but I bet there is something.

p.s. why yes this pizza may be a metaphor...

I forget, goodbyes are hard

I have a theory.

Sometimes I forget things because a part of me wants to forget them. That's fine but it's never permanent. Eventually the 'thing' will roll back around and then I will remember all, vividly.

This past month I had to say farewell to a friend and it was so painful. As soon as I felt the pain I remembered past farewells like a scent from childhood.

The combination of present pain and remembering is tidal. It brings me to an inescapable present of heavy eyes and heart. There is no leaving it behind since it surrounds me on all sides. I also remember how it softens -- eventually and then fades a bit and then it's gone. Moved through, forgotten.

But right now - I remember.

an awareness after heat

Once the heat broke I could see things clearly again. I had no idea just how stuck I was in a narrow viewpoint of 'It's hot' + 'I don't like it' + 'constant managing of my discomfort from the heat/humidity'.

I had no idea, I was asleep from the heat. Note I am not beating myself about this just saying wow. Noticing after the fact.

I'm curious as to whether I can bring an open mind to extreme heat and humidity in the future, stay in my body when it's that uncomfortable. I can remember to stay when I have a headache or even when I had chicken pox, but that heat. I turned off and put myself in a box of 'dealing with heat' without realizing it. What did I miss while I was turned away and lost in thought?

Our minds are amazing, unruly and poorly trained. Or at least mine is poorly trained, you know, like a cat.

aspiration?

I am water.
I am the thorn that catches someone’s clothing...

There’s nothing to believe.
Only when I quit believing in myself did I come into this beauty...

Day and night I guarded the pearl of my soul.
Now in this ocean of pearling currents, I’ve lost which was mine.

-Rumi

poetry shortcut

When you are struggling with words to express yourself poetry can be really handy.

Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter.
If your mind isn't clouded by unnecessary things,
this is the best season of your life.

by Wu Men

corned beef and patterns

I had corned beef today and it was awesome. That's one of the things I love about St. Patrick's Day, it's soooo easy to buy corned beef for lunch. Warning: the above is the coherent part of the post.

So about that last post where I realized I was in a pattern. Seeing the pattern was pretty awesome [and funny] and I wasn't surprised that the realization gave me more space around the whole situation. Even though I still have to correct stuff at work, I don't feel like I am being hated for it. I correct and try to move on. A bit like being a teacher, grade the test, it's part of the job.

So my brain? awareness? story mind? has been nibbling at this realization in a relaxed way and gently wondering "so is there some kind of meaning or gift behind this pattern" and I may be seeing something oh so dimly. So now I'll try to put it into words.

I sometimes want to be 'right' In fact a query I have been using this winter is "do I want to be right or free?" When I look at most situations in this way I realize I would rather be free, it cuts through the ego or something...

Correcting at work is like the flip side of this dynamic. I don't actually want or care about being right in this situation. Or to put it another way, I would like the people I work with on projects to all be right. And yet frequently I am stuck being the one who is right. And for the success of the project I have to communicate that.

Suddenly I can clearly see the downside of being 'right'. And it seems such a gift.

you're wrong, it's a pattern

Sometimes I am critical and I notice things about myself and others that I think are 'wrong'. But that's not what I am talking about here.

This thing happens at work, it happened again this week in fact. I'm working on a project with someone, not a new person, and they are doing things wrong. This isn't an opinion thing it's a real mistake or misinformation. Like someone writing red + yellow = blue, instead of orange. In terms of our business it's incorrect. It will break something or perhaps cause something to not work at all. So it would be worse to ignore it. And there isn't a question of deliberate sabotage or malice.

The first few times I mention the corrections in passing, no big deal we're all human. By about the 6th time I am getting irritated, mostly because I take it 'reverse personally'. I start thinking that the person in question must be hating me because I am noticing and correcting their errors. I start figuring out which errors are safe to ignore [at least for a time] and which have to be communicated right away to stave off bigger errors [hopefully].

Some people make the same errors over and over again, and I start to feel like I am doing all their work and that I must suck at communication because why didn't they understand the process the first 11 times? It causes delays and problems for projects.

But you know I don't want to 'narc' on them. [am I twelve years old?] Sometimes I feel guilty when I don't say anything, I feel guilty for with-holding knowledge.

Mostly I feel all weird about it. *sigh* I have the toughest time negotiating it. I get stressed about it. It takes up time and energy that I keep telling myself I would like to use elsewhere.

I was venting about this to my wife and asking advice 'should I say something this time...' when suddenly I realized this is a freaking pattern.

It's been going on for about 3+ years, and it keeps on happening with different people. And I have no idea why. [covert psychological experiment?]

I try to coax some sense out of the pattern and it goes fuzzy. I really have no ideas right now. I don't think it's about expectations or fairness or speaking out or being realistic about intelligence...

But I am giggling because it took me this long to see that it was a pattern and I do feel hopeful now that the 'why' of the pattern is coming to me at some point and maybe I'll even get to stop running this pattern even though I don't know how that would happen. But it could.

a february wrap up

As I heal I find I am thinking about writing again and the doing is slowly coming. But I realize there is no way I can catch up on this past month, so I'll try to just hit the highlights and look forward to starting March afresh.

Imbolc this year found me in CA spending all my time taking care of my parents. These visits although it's a nice change to be away from the snow are never vacations. There is always stuff to be done. This year it was ferrying them around to many, many doctor appointments. I felt sick but I just kept ignoring it except when the dry cough became troublesome. I was just very focused on my parents.

Then the first weekend of February found me feeling exhausted, still coughing and with a temperature that was creeping up to 101 most evenings. The first Sunday I went to English country dancing to prepare for the ball and it was tough. On the way home I realized I was getting some kind of bumps all over my scalp.

By Monday the bumps were all over my face and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I wasn't thinking too clearly, due to the fever probably, but my wife got me into my doctor and I was diagnosed with chicken pox. Everything you have heard about it being worse for adults is true. I was put on antiviral medication and just felt completely out of it for the rest of the week.

By Valentine's day I was feeling a bit better and able to work some from home since I was still contagious. I had not left the house for over a week at this point. I went back to the office the 17th and made it the whole day.

IMAD was the next day and the Marys celebrated with a low key afternoon of pleasure. Even fun things tired me out a lot after a few hours. But it was nice to do some fun ritual stuff.

The following week I concentrated on working and restarting my meditation practice. Health continued to spiral up and down. I even had several nights of exhausted insomnia. I tried my best to not push too much. I admired my wife's sewing. My scalp healed enough to get my hair cut.

So here I am wrapping up February, still speckled but healing. Hoping I'll be able to do at least some dancing at the ball next weekend. Buying play tickets and plane tickets and still trying to be kind to myself. Looking forward to March and spring.

I really appreciate all the sympathy and good cheer that people sent this month. It really did help.

it's been 3 weeks

Three weeks ago today I woke up coughing a dry cough. I didn't know it then but that was the start of my chicken pox odyssey.

It's been a really hard 3 weeks. I don't think I have been this sick since I had mono in college. Illness is a weird, weird thing.

I am now up to the point where I can attempt to work 8 hours from home. I notice that everything seems to take longer than I remember. I am fairly sure I am no longer contagious and I plan on going into the office tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it in a way.

My life is slowly returning to 'normal' what ever that is. My body looks like I have been rolling in gravel. I have stopped craving my sickness related comfort food. [Mine is chicken fried rice, what's yours?]

At times I found it very hard to be awake in the moment while I was so uncomfortable. It was hard not to want things to be different. At times it was easy because the sickness was a fairly straightforward thing and that was all there was. I could be mindful of that simple uncomfortable thing.

Here it is, half of February 2011 is over. I basically missed Imbolc this year. This Friday is IMAD already and I feel hopeful that I will be able to enjoy it. There are things that I need to do and plan and some of them I am not capable of doing yet.

I guess I still need to convalesce. I need to carve out time to recuperate. I don't want to end up with pneumonia.

Unfortunately this cuts into writing/blogging time.

Accepting regret

In the spirit of noticing my human patterns I bring you my incoherent thoughts on regret and how I am attempting to include my regrets in a field of acceptance. I have a good example of it from last night, which does not have a high emotional charge so it is fairly easy to create some space around it and share.

The second Thursday of the month is resiliency followup. I have been looking forward to it for weeks, I had blocked off the time in my calendar and jealously guarded it from all.

Sometime after lunch on Thursday I realized I was getting a headache. After a bit of typically reaction 'why now?' 'what did I do to cause this?' and so forth I took some deep breaths and tried to sit with the headache a bit at my desk. I tried to notice it in a friendly accepting way although that was a pretty big stretch. I want to get better at self acceptance this year in a radical way and having a headache is a fine area to practice it.

That worked pretty well for me. On my way home I had to stop and get gas for the car and somehow I got gas on me. By the time I got home the smell of gas was making me feel sicker, verging into migraine territory and I knew I wouldn't be making my meeting that night.

I wanted to struggle. I felt deep disappointment but I did my best to bring some acceptance to that feeling. My head/neck were very uncomfortable and I noticed the waves of physical discomfort that I feel with that type of headache. But I didn't suffer.

Somehow I was able to feel my regret and have my headache but I didn't do the things to myself that make it worse. Like blame or berate myself, try to manage or control much, tell myself to feel differently. I just tried over and over to say 'yes' as I lay on the bed with my head on an ice pack. I did it very imperfectly and I said yes to that as well. I dozed and woke up feeling less sick but regretful still, I removed the now warm ice pack and eventually fell into a deeper sleep and when I woke it was morning, the headache was gone and my chance at an RT followup over until February...

and I still felt regret and sadness. I said yes to them again and again as they arose during the morning and I also noticed how impermanent they were. Because I also felt alive and loved by myself, safe I guess. Self acceptance in the end was/is more important to me than my plans.

I wish I had the words to communicate this experience better but they are eluding me completely so I'll just let them stand as is. peace.

feeling pain

So much is going on in world it seems. Although I acknowledged that in every age people have said that. But I suppose it can still be true for all that.

Another of my friends had a stroke this week. Sobering news of a shooting in AZ. I could go on of course.

I see people all around me filled with grief and I feel incapable of any coherency in this post but still I feel compelled to write it. Granted with little coherency, read on at your own risk.

I have the normal pain avoidance of my species but I don't want to respond to pain like a mindless automaton. I want to be awake while I live this life. At the same time pain, emotional or physical, hurts and I still have very little awareness of my flinch reaction.

And yet apparently 'all is well', the condition of the universe as these feelings crash around us like tidal waves. I am not awake but I guess I am grateful that I know it.

sometimes it's better to be fake

This post comes with a disclaimer. If you read this blog and know me offline as well be assured that this post is not about you or anyone who would ever read this blog.

So I have this guy in my life who does not listen. Occasionally if he is really working on it he can listen somewhat but this is fairly rare. He gets overloaded with information very easily, even if he is the one asking for the information. It doesn't seem to make any difference if we are communicating face to face or by email. Occasionally I get very judgmental in my head and wonder if he is just a moron but then I let go and I work on not taking it personally. He has this difficulty with many people.

I don't know much about him but he comes across as a goodhearted, very anxious, fearful person. I try to have compassion.

I cannot avoid him entirely. Although some days I certainly try. Right now he is in my life and that is what it is. I have attempted at various time to give him information, seen him fail to understand without realizing it and have recognized that there isn't anything I can do to change this. So now I nod pleasantly, thank him for his input and say things like 'I see your point' or 'thanks for passing that on.' and move on.

So what is the issue? It seems like I am coping pretty well, right? Well I feel like a big faker. Totally inauthentic and well... a big condescending liar. Metaphorically I am patting him on the head like he's 2 years old and say 'that's nice dear'.

But there isn't anything else to do at this juncture. I know I am making the most emotionally healthy response. Still it is weird to have being fake be the best option. Certainly took me by surprise. Here's hoping the situation doesn't last too long.

Those of you both online and off, thank you for listening, thinking and being real.
You are appreciated. Stellar weekends to all!