The post right before this one details the oddness that was last Sunday morning, the oddness kept coming although I was not able to post.
-Sunday night, major fever and GI upset. no idea what caused it.
-canceled everything fun in my life, stay in house for next 2 days, trying to work a little and recover. Can't exercise.
-Wednesday feeling close to normal, had the weekly writing meeting with partner, everything seems to be looking up.
word count=64221
-Thursday, make it into office, last day for people getting laid off. Pretty depressing
-Thursday night GI and fever attacks again.
-again cancel everything fun for 2 days and cry in bed feeling miserable, missing exercise
-Sunday, returning to normal, go to memorial service and feel unwell.
Currently--hoping for the best, but not counting on it.
As you can see from the above any posts from me in the past week would have been full of feverish gloom so my silence is probably a really good thing. I am hoping this time I am really getting better, I won't relapse and that I will have a great Imbolc.
And a great Imbolc to all of you as well.
weird and odd Sunday morning
We were surprised this morning to hear our front door knob being turned at 7:40 this morning. It kind of creaks and we could hear it in the kitchen. Since we keep our doors locked it remained closed We looked at each other wonderingly.
I went to the front door with our rotty and decided that if it was someone we knew on the porch the dog would greet them happily and if it wasn't then someone was in for a surprise. Really, I don't know that I was thinking that clearly, part of me almost thought we had imagined the sound. I opened the door, the dog ran out barking and I saw no one.
However my wife saw the person run through our back yard to the alley, and then he stopped to open one of our car doors [which were not locked because of potential ice storms] she banged on the window and told him to get out. We figured then he was on something, because logically you don't run away from barking dog in a house where you know people are awake and aware of you and then stop to check out a car. Do you? I guesss I don't really know.
I spent the rest of the morning looking out of windows feeling very uneasy and then saw found out later from the large number of police cars in the alley that they had been looking for the guy all morning. Very weird and slightly creepy.
Not exactly sure what to think. But I am glad the doors were locked. I know that I don't feel as safe. I want to go dance as usual and I feel nervous leaving the house. Huh.
So strange and normal I guess.
I went to the front door with our rotty and decided that if it was someone we knew on the porch the dog would greet them happily and if it wasn't then someone was in for a surprise. Really, I don't know that I was thinking that clearly, part of me almost thought we had imagined the sound. I opened the door, the dog ran out barking and I saw no one.
However my wife saw the person run through our back yard to the alley, and then he stopped to open one of our car doors [which were not locked because of potential ice storms] she banged on the window and told him to get out. We figured then he was on something, because logically you don't run away from barking dog in a house where you know people are awake and aware of you and then stop to check out a car. Do you? I guesss I don't really know.
I spent the rest of the morning looking out of windows feeling very uneasy and then saw found out later from the large number of police cars in the alley that they had been looking for the guy all morning. Very weird and slightly creepy.
Not exactly sure what to think. But I am glad the doors were locked. I know that I don't feel as safe. I want to go dance as usual and I feel nervous leaving the house. Huh.
So strange and normal I guess.
updated word count
I am feeling a bit subdued and beaten down by the week and the atmosphere of grief I sometimes seem to be swimming in, but my word count [and my writing partner] were certainly a pick me up today.
Word count = 63,713
I'll be honest, grief is a theme of which I am getting a bit tired. I am wishing all a weekend of gentleness [unless that is not your thing] and self care of the highest quality.
Word count = 63,713
I'll be honest, grief is a theme of which I am getting a bit tired. I am wishing all a weekend of gentleness [unless that is not your thing] and self care of the highest quality.
not a happy post
*warning if you are depressed you may want to skip this one*
You know what sucks way more than work?
People you know dying.
I am left with eyes full of tears I can't shed for a nice person I only got to meet a couple of times. I never had the time to shoot him an email last spring. Because I was so busy. With work. The reminder was on my fridge for months.
Then I felt guilty, then my sour dough starter died, then I gave up, thinking 'eventually I'll get a new starter and email him...'
None of that matters now. I realize once again how hard it is to balance my life, to take care of myself and those I love and to work. I know nothing.
You know what sucks way more than work?
People you know dying.
I am left with eyes full of tears I can't shed for a nice person I only got to meet a couple of times. I never had the time to shoot him an email last spring. Because I was so busy. With work. The reminder was on my fridge for months.
Then I felt guilty, then my sour dough starter died, then I gave up, thinking 'eventually I'll get a new starter and email him...'
None of that matters now. I realize once again how hard it is to balance my life, to take care of myself and those I love and to work. I know nothing.
what! work isn't fun?
[Uploaded a profile picture that I took in India, not of me]
Shocking realization. My work = not fun and high stress.
I reread some old journals recently and realized that work has been stressful for ...can it be since I started this job?! You know I think that's true, I remember watching the woman who hired me [who I like] create such a hostile atmosphere in her office that my new coworker started crying. I remember going back to my office after that panicked 'did I take the right job? I should have went with the state job'
There are parts of my job that I love. There is stuff that I hate and I don't believe it would change much in a different place. I don't believe in perfect...anything. In this climate of layoffs I feel nothing but gratitude that I have a job at all. So many do not have this.
I know someone who was in a very bad ski accident this week. The brain damage could be permanent. I look at my suddenly much smaller problems. I don't want to compare but I can't seem not to...things could be so much worse. Then I try to guard against is getting super critical of myself because it is so easy to go there.
In the sauna yesterday a friend was prodding me. She was concerned about my stress levels. She wanted to know what I was going to do. How I was going to take care of myself [by getting away from this job specifically]? She pointed out how bad it was to be under stress all the time.
I tried to explain to her that doing resumes, looking for something else that all takes energy and would be stressful. Which would not be a short term gain. I am trying to guard my time off, to exercise and take care of myself in other ways. ... But I feel limited.
ouch. Limited. Why does that sound so bad? Aren't we all limited by our breath, gravity, and an infinity of other stuff?
It seems particularly hard to recognize what should change and what to accept.
I guess I am not feeling very wise right now.
Shocking realization. My work = not fun and high stress.
I reread some old journals recently and realized that work has been stressful for ...can it be since I started this job?! You know I think that's true, I remember watching the woman who hired me [who I like] create such a hostile atmosphere in her office that my new coworker started crying. I remember going back to my office after that panicked 'did I take the right job? I should have went with the state job'
There are parts of my job that I love. There is stuff that I hate and I don't believe it would change much in a different place. I don't believe in perfect...anything. In this climate of layoffs I feel nothing but gratitude that I have a job at all. So many do not have this.
I know someone who was in a very bad ski accident this week. The brain damage could be permanent. I look at my suddenly much smaller problems. I don't want to compare but I can't seem not to...things could be so much worse. Then I try to guard against is getting super critical of myself because it is so easy to go there.
In the sauna yesterday a friend was prodding me. She was concerned about my stress levels. She wanted to know what I was going to do. How I was going to take care of myself [by getting away from this job specifically]? She pointed out how bad it was to be under stress all the time.
I tried to explain to her that doing resumes, looking for something else that all takes energy and would be stressful. Which would not be a short term gain. I am trying to guard my time off, to exercise and take care of myself in other ways. ... But I feel limited.
ouch. Limited. Why does that sound so bad? Aren't we all limited by our breath, gravity, and an infinity of other stuff?
It seems particularly hard to recognize what should change and what to accept.
I guess I am not feeling very wise right now.
eliminating
word count: 62, 508, I also started outline and character pages to help with background-y stuff.
You know anyone out there [not naming names] who wanted to share their word count through a comment would be more than welcome to do that-nudge, nudge. However no pressure, no shoulds.
So perhaps you know that I did resiliency training last autumn and perhaps I mentioned that part of it was meeting one on one with a nutritionist and getting specific food information? Or maybe I didn't mention it here....not really sure.
The point of the above: tomorrow I start the process of checking for food sensitivities.
The method: Part one; no wheat, corn or cow dairy for the next 10 days.
Mental state: pretty upbeat right now, of course it's all just theory at this point, we'll see how I am doing in 3 days or so.
However: still need to keep up the whole eating every 3-4 hours part-huh--because this needed to be more challenging?!
more Daunting bits: Very few eating out possibilities-- since it's hard to be sure if something has corn oil or corn starch in it. Wheat flour sneaks in everywhere as well. So unless I feel comfortable asking the chef... lots of cooking to be done, sounds hard.
Support: dear wife is doing it as well and friends are being great about it.
another Plus: I get to be my own science experiment.
musical finale:
This and this I love, I am such a sucker for an alto, but at the same time it makes me sad that I 'have no languages'. Surely it's not too late?
You know anyone out there [not naming names] who wanted to share their word count through a comment would be more than welcome to do that-nudge, nudge. However no pressure, no shoulds.
So perhaps you know that I did resiliency training last autumn and perhaps I mentioned that part of it was meeting one on one with a nutritionist and getting specific food information? Or maybe I didn't mention it here....not really sure.
The point of the above: tomorrow I start the process of checking for food sensitivities.
The method: Part one; no wheat, corn or cow dairy for the next 10 days.
Mental state: pretty upbeat right now, of course it's all just theory at this point, we'll see how I am doing in 3 days or so.
However: still need to keep up the whole eating every 3-4 hours part-huh--because this needed to be more challenging?!
more Daunting bits: Very few eating out possibilities-- since it's hard to be sure if something has corn oil or corn starch in it. Wheat flour sneaks in everywhere as well. So unless I feel comfortable asking the chef... lots of cooking to be done, sounds hard.
Support: dear wife is doing it as well and friends are being great about it.
another Plus: I get to be my own science experiment.
musical finale:
This and this I love, I am such a sucker for an alto, but at the same time it makes me sad that I 'have no languages'. Surely it's not too late?
wrapping up a week and blech goodbyes
Word count=62,022
Today I am not going to say 'where did the week go?' I am aware this week of the major suckitude that happened and why I missed my blog.
To sum up:
Work = big stress + funeral type atmosphere
This is partially caused by the fact that we are losing team members to a lay off at the end of the month. And everyone is fairly sure more layoffs are coming in April. Such a cheerful vibe at work.
Computer=nasty virus and death
My main laptop [work] caught big bad virus Tuesday. I do express my gratitude to the awesome guys who already had my new laptop on order and got it configured in record time this week. But now everything I do is slooooow, because I am redoing all my settings that were lost on the old one. Of course plus side new much needed laptop!
Surprise = big gulpy shock that I am processing
I got a big surprise from a friend this week. It's not really a bad surprise [not like November] but still. I am great in an emergency, but with other kinds of surprises the processing is pretty slow or awkward or something. I sit down now and my brain goes 'huh, what do I think about that surprise and what if anything should be done?'
Goodbyes = letting go?
I started thinking about how I dislike goodbyes when I had to take down the tree. We got an eastern balsam this year and it was a very dry fire hazard. It had to move on. I didn't want it to leave, I love it. That reminded me of all the times when goodbyes make me anxious. Not always, sometimes I feel the space of 'yes, it's time for this thing to end and me to move on' and life is full of ease. But sometimes goodbyes stress me out. And I can't find the pattern to it. Is it because I am not feeling finished? Is it because I don't want the fun to end? Is it because I am dreading the next thing coming up? Does some of this relate to childhood abandonment issues?
Just writing this though reminds me of the great things about the week. Like cheering on a friend who just started a new job, taking my first cycle class and loving it, having an awesome dinner and breakfast with friends, taking Friday off, new cheerful haircut, first monthly Resiliency follow up, January thaws, being in bed by 8pm Friday night and having a writing buddy [mini nanowrimo].
So I will gently commit [no shoulds] to getting some painting and writing done, to getting my new camera out of the box, to enjoy ECD tomorrow night and just be patient with surprises and goodbyes. All of us doing the best we can here. Here's hoping this next week has more space for fun.
Today I am not going to say 'where did the week go?' I am aware this week of the major suckitude that happened and why I missed my blog.
To sum up:
Work = big stress + funeral type atmosphere
This is partially caused by the fact that we are losing team members to a lay off at the end of the month. And everyone is fairly sure more layoffs are coming in April. Such a cheerful vibe at work.
Computer=nasty virus and death
My main laptop [work] caught big bad virus Tuesday. I do express my gratitude to the awesome guys who already had my new laptop on order and got it configured in record time this week. But now everything I do is slooooow, because I am redoing all my settings that were lost on the old one. Of course plus side new much needed laptop!
Surprise = big gulpy shock that I am processing
I got a big surprise from a friend this week. It's not really a bad surprise [not like November] but still. I am great in an emergency, but with other kinds of surprises the processing is pretty slow or awkward or something. I sit down now and my brain goes 'huh, what do I think about that surprise and what if anything should be done?'
Goodbyes = letting go?
I started thinking about how I dislike goodbyes when I had to take down the tree. We got an eastern balsam this year and it was a very dry fire hazard. It had to move on. I didn't want it to leave, I love it. That reminded me of all the times when goodbyes make me anxious. Not always, sometimes I feel the space of 'yes, it's time for this thing to end and me to move on' and life is full of ease. But sometimes goodbyes stress me out. And I can't find the pattern to it. Is it because I am not feeling finished? Is it because I don't want the fun to end? Is it because I am dreading the next thing coming up? Does some of this relate to childhood abandonment issues?
Just writing this though reminds me of the great things about the week. Like cheering on a friend who just started a new job, taking my first cycle class and loving it, having an awesome dinner and breakfast with friends, taking Friday off, new cheerful haircut, first monthly Resiliency follow up, January thaws, being in bed by 8pm Friday night and having a writing buddy [mini nanowrimo].
So I will gently commit [no shoulds] to getting some painting and writing done, to getting my new camera out of the box, to enjoy ECD tomorrow night and just be patient with surprises and goodbyes. All of us doing the best we can here. Here's hoping this next week has more space for fun.
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