no Klingons

Everything changes and sometimes it's great. Like my best friend just bought a new peridot green bike and I foresee many rides together in 2012. Yeah!

But I want this blog to be authentic and some things suck.

Sometimes change is not great at all. Go ahead click on the link, it's a short notice. Did you see the relevant [to me] part?

The 2011 production marks the 6th time the show has been put up, and the 2nd time in the Windy City.

There are no other productions in 2011.

No Klingon Xmas Carol in Minneapolis this year. [you know it's hard to type when you have a fist in your mouth to hold back the sobbing]

Seriously, really I couldn't be happier for you all in Chicago. They are introducing a new score this year and everything. Wonderful. Look at all those showings through the end of the month. You should totally go and tell me about it. I want them to do well, really. I mean it.

Yeah. Enjoy. sniff

I forget, goodbyes are hard

I have a theory.

Sometimes I forget things because a part of me wants to forget them. That's fine but it's never permanent. Eventually the 'thing' will roll back around and then I will remember all, vividly.

This past month I had to say farewell to a friend and it was so painful. As soon as I felt the pain I remembered past farewells like a scent from childhood.

The combination of present pain and remembering is tidal. It brings me to an inescapable present of heavy eyes and heart. There is no leaving it behind since it surrounds me on all sides. I also remember how it softens -- eventually and then fades a bit and then it's gone. Moved through, forgotten.

But right now - I remember.

my Cervyn

On August 1, 1994 a litter of border collies was born, 5 sisters,on a farm in Glenwood Springs, MN. By the end of September 1994 one of them had come to live with me.

She was a joy, quick learner, a great herder, a peerless communicator from a breed known for communications skills, a flyball champion, she loved frisbees more than food, hated water and she was my dear dog. Who, I believe, lived 15+ years of a pretty stellar doggie life, though not being a dog myself I can't be positive.

Her long life ended today, she failed very rapidly while I was away in CA. It seemed like she was waiting for me to get back so we could say good bye and I could feed her some cheese.

Which I did and now she is gone. And part of me is trying to remember just why we have these pets that we know will die and it will hurt so bad. And part of me is just grateful that I had her. And then there are other parts, but they all hurt right now except for the ones that are numb.

One of the most beautiful sights in the universe is a border collie flat out running over a green field.

lay offs

So no updated word count today, it's been a very tense, tight 24 hours or so. Hopefully I will be able to write later this evening.

My company gave notice to many people of massive lay offs today. The end date is January 29. Needless to say it has been surreal. It's like someone has died, and it is so hard to know what to say to these people. I just want to wail, but that almost seems insulting here I still have my job for now.
Survival guilt has its own set of discomforts. I will be losing 3 team mates by the end of January and 2 more in June. I have no idea what is going to happen, how the work will all get done.

Not to be looking into the future too much but this is such a stressful time of year and to have this swirling all around. wow. I feel compassionate, lucky, empathetic, scared, grateful and stunned.
Everyone over 19 realizes that life isn't fair, but it doesn't make it suck any less sometimes.

taking the shine

It was indeed a weird week last week. I had really funny adorable post rattling in my head and then I was wiped out by a migraine. I don't get migraines very often nowadays, perhaps twice a year, but when I do whoa .

As I was pulling out from a bad one [made worse by the sauna, note to self 'do not sauna when you have a migraine'] I was going to put myself in bed for a little nap, hopefully to speed the healing. Oh wait, I thought, must feed kitty first so I won't be nagged while trying to heal.

That was when it happened, I bent over in the dark closet to get the food and smacked my face into the vacuum handle I didn't see. Thereby getting my first shiner. There was much profanity, those who only know me through this blog may not realize what a swearer I am, and when faced with that kind of pain I really let loose. I then stumbled to the couch, clutching an ice pack, held it on my face and cried for 15 minutes. I didn't even really realize I was crying.

Ok, I had no idea that black eyes hurt that much. wow. How do people fight or box and even risk that kind of pain. Even though the excruciating bit was done in an hour, it throbbed for a day then hurt for several more, and now near a week later it is still tender to touch. And yes, it is totally weird to be able to see your own cheek without looking into a mirror.

And weirdly I even felt shame about it, like people would be assuming that I had been in a fight or been abused or something. It was a new experience I wouldn't have minded missing though I certainly have empathy for all those with black eyes now. Which is probably handy from a 'growing as a person' perspective.
Should I be seeing a moral in here about not taking care of your cat before yourself or something...

An Issue of Knitting

I recently cast on a '5 hour baby sweater' for a workmate whose baby is coming any minute. I knew it would probably take me longer than 5 hours but it would be quick enough. These are done on US 10.5 needles. I was using a double strand of sport weight yarn. [past tense indicating spoiler[

By the 6th row my hands were hurting, left more than right. I switch between continental and english styles of knitting, didn't seem to make a difference what style I was using. I was reminded of the bulky weight simple scarf I cast on last October when we had our weekend away. My hands started hurting then too, but then we came back to all the holiday hoopla and I promptly forgot all about it.

Within a 24 hour period I only did 12 rows and my hands were killing me, in fact my left thumb tingled for hours afterwards after quitting. Sunday I pulled it all out. I am totally bummed. First I have to let go of the idea of getting a sweater done for her. If I can't do it the quick and easy way it's just not going to happen. Second, I bought specific sale yarn in a color I never use [sage green] just for this project. I feel bad about 'wasting' the money. Third, why on earth do my hands hurt so much from trying to knit with bulky yarn?! Fourth, why do I feel bad about waste, when I had pure intentions and heck I cannot know the future. Fifth, I hate it when I am hard on myself, you know for being human.

I wasn't having this knit issue in 2007. I have a charity shawl on 13US needles that I work on occasionally, no problem. Heck I knitted about a dozen bulky novelty yarn scarves as favors for my wedding shower. My body has just changed. *sigh*

What else happened today? I had a 3 Novocaine shot visit to the dentist. Steady decluttering of CDs. Toseed some old make up which may not count as decluttering since I treated myself to some of my new favorite eye shadow. Still can't believe I have not only fallen in love with an eye shadow but I blog about it.

I had a great, yet surreal yoga class this evening [probably due to said novocaine]. I have managed to journal the past 2 days and it feels great. I am feeling a bit hopeful that since change will happen perhaps it will include me creating some patterns I earnestly desire. We'll see.

Is it really only Tuesday?