Starting Single

I read a line in the Wedding Goddess today. It was something like ‘you walk down the aisle single and come back married’. And I thought of how simple that sounds. It is simple I guess in some ways if you look at it a certain way. Of course you could then look at birth like a woman goes into the delivery room and comes out a mother but that is also a pretty bald and laughable statement. Because that time before the wedding [or before birth] takes a whole lot of effort.

My engagement period is almost over, in less than a week it will be my wedding day. I have not been in my single state all this time, it’s been different. It’s also been different from a partnered state.. I feel like I have been gestating this wedding, this marriage for months. Instead of constant trips to the bathroom and leg swelling it has been lists, phone calls, decisions and letting go. I have been ‘between’ two states for months [or in a third] and I am going to end up somewhere different after the wedding.

I notice I am pretty comfortable in my current state and rather disinclined to change it. Although exhausting and a big job and scary it is also fun to be engaged. It is fun to plan parties for your family and friends. It is fun to have loved ones reaching out in love and support. Heck opening all those boxes is fun too. [the recycling is a challenge though] Most importantly I have gotten used to it. I have been engaged since January, and it’s almost October. I am pretty good at this engaged stuff and here I am planning on changing it all and soon. I can barely remember what it was like to be single and I realize there is some stuff I will mourn and miss from this engagement.

Sometimes the next turn of the wheel surprises us and sometimes we get a preview for months prior either way-- we change.

A Fundamentalist Fact

It is a fact that saddens me…some people like their world in black and white. Us and them. Right and wrong. I like to think I understand and empathize with that fear that drives us to try to simplify and control our world, ourselves and others.

I certainly know that fear of the mind of the void after death – which may not be a void at all but then who knows? No one knows, unless they know the truth for themselves. I love to act like truth is abstract and that there is one truth for everyone, but I don’t really believe that. I know if I know anything that truth is different for each person, that our own awareness colors all of our lives and our world into our own unique experience.

I know that I want my brother to be free of danger, free of shame, physically happy and to live with ease. I can pray this for all beings. [even politicians :)]

I also know that it sucks that my only brother can’t see past his own fear and nose to love and accept me the way that I am. Happy and content right now. Not some viewpoint he has of me from 25 years ago.

It bites that he won’t be at the wedding.

Single Digit

My e-ring had to go into the ring doctor to get some prongs fixed. It is an antique ring that was obviously worn a lot. It has lovely energy so I like to think the woman wearing it before was happy in her life and relationships. It was so odd to have that finger quiet for several days after the past months of wearing it consistently. I found that I kind of missed my talky ring. My hand really felt empty.

It made me wonder about the symbols we surrounded ourselves with…would anyone notice it was gone and think my sweetie and I had broken up? I felt like I had changed the frontage that I show to the world, just the part that people see because of course nothing had changed on the inside or in our relationship. It was a bit odd.

On our ‘days to wedding counter’ we are down to single digits. The wedding is next week. Next week! That’s like no time at all. Everyday now I can check the 10 day forecast and see what they are guessing the weather on my wedding day will be…

I seem to moving in a bubble of space and awe. Most things are done. And there is still a sizable list to do. But I feel like I am floating into that region of transformation, that place where you are neither one thing nor the other. I looked at the full moon this morning in the pale blue sky and truly was here, present, wordless for an instant/eon. We are life

Space Issues

So I have been having space issues. I had a long standing written agreement with my venue that we would be able to decorate from 11-3pm the day before the wedding.

Then last weeks with less than 4 weeks to go they informed me that new circumstances meant they could not honor the agreement. These were circumstances that they had knowledge of for the past 4+ months.

My panic is probably better imagined. It was quite overwhelming. I was afraid friends would be mad at me that it happened, that they would need to put themselves out, that we would all be nervous wrecks trying to stay up late or early the day of the wedding trying to finish decoration. Let me add these are not elaborate decorations we are speaking of here. Setting up the room [tables and chairs] linens, place settings, centerpieces, and decorating a staircase.

There were 2 things that really irked me personally, no one took the time or responsibility to give me a big heartfelt apology for the snafu and I learned about the problem so late that I basically had no options.

I know I am living in the land of the Scandinavian here where a favorite joke is 'did you hear the about the man who loved his wife so much he almost told her so?' [surely in actual Scandinavian countries this is not true] but please an apology goes a long way, even if it's not your fault personally, even if you are apologizing for your organization.

Or maybe I am just oversensitive.

Then the complete lack of options, it was too late to reschedule anything. Too late to find another venue, to late to push the ceremony start time back, to late to have the rehearsal on another evening, too late to do anything but grind through and somehow make this work. People tell me not to worry, and I try to let it go. People remind me that everything will not be perfect but I'd like to think anyone who has read this blog knows I am aware of that...what bothers me is all the effort this mix up is asking of my friends and family. *sigh* We wanted to throw them a great party after they witnessed our marriage.

I am grateful to them from the bottom of my heart though. That their space for us and our wedding only seems to expand.