so hard

We are back from vacation. I could babble on about the perfect weather, the friends that visited, the golden woods, my running, the dharma talks I listened to, and the way leaves falling sounded like wings flapping.

In all my autumns, which I have loved, I have never heard falling leaves sound like that.

But all I can really think about is how badly my friend who had the stroke is doing. It's hard and I am sad. We visited her last week. We had time for the 3 hour drive thanks to vacation. She can't speak. She can form some words but they are not the words she is trying to say. She can't verbally communicate at all but she spent the entire visit trying to do so.

Then she had another meltdown over the weekend. She wants to go home but can't. She keeps attempting to do stuff and falling. She is refusing her medication. [as a nurse she knows exactly what it is] She has at least one more clot in her leg but she is refusing treatment for it.

She didn't seem suicidal to me when I visited but I have to wonder.

She seems to have excellent comprehension but perhaps her judgment/understanding was impaired by the massive stroke because well... let's just say its bad.

I'm trying to stay with all this discomfort and I guess I am facing up to the very real overwhelming possibility that my friend may not make it.

So the hard. and I am sad. Lots of sad.


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