in the mourning

One thing I think we are lacking in our culture is space for mourning. Perhaps because it is sad and not fun and quiet and lasts awhile. It is linked with discomfort.  So it is brushed under the rug. Or it comes out sideways as anger or something else. I am not saying that mourning is lovely and I enjoy doing it but I want to acknowledge that mourning comes with changes and is inescapable like change itself.

Most people will at least accept that mourning is part of a 'negative' change like death or divorce, but few seem to think of the mourning that goes along with anything ending. You buy your first house, you love it and you can't wait to live there. You are probably going to mourn something about your last home. Even if it's the color of paint on the walls.

I am so happy to be marrying my sweetie but I still mourn things. I mourn my much cleaner apartment. I mourn looking around my home and just seeing me, my stuff. I mourn the mental space that I had that is now given to compromising, connecting and communicating. I don't want things to be any different, they'll change soon enough, but still I miss stuff from my past.

These are not pleasant feelings and it would be so easy to just shove them away under planning and details and duties. But that makes me feel sadder. I loved my last apartment, I loved not seeing anyone else's mess. I notice that committing to someone full time does take time. Certainly my 'me time' has changed in quantity. I miss casualness. I appreciate that time and place in my past. and I am not going to just walk away without saying good bye and it might take me a while.


Amy said...

Hi, I found your blog through indiebride. This entry really spoke to me. I am not yet living with my fiance, but I am quite introverted and have been living alone for most of the past 6 years.

I think your feelings of mourning are natural and as an introvert I understand completely. I am savoring my last months of living alone, even though I'm very excited to start living with my fiance.

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