kindness under stress and shoulds

I feel like I want to title this post 'how to be kind'. I could probably use a refresher.

I have noticed that when I am under high stress I start feeling mean, mostly internal and directed towards myself. What amazes me is how it just sneaks up on me. After all these years you would think flashing red lights and maybe sirens would go off warning me that I am approaching dangerous stress levels. But instead my poor body/mind/heart keeps on trying to adjust to those new stress levels and I feel either slightly crappy [or sick or tired or, or, or]

When feeling irritation or aversion with strangers or sometimes loved ones for no real reason I do try to remind myself that we are all human. I try to grope for some kind of connection or even try to drum up a feeling of compassion. I also try to not stuff my feelings, if I am irritated I do try to name and accept that emotion. [internally, not spraying it out on everyone within range] and I sigh a lot.

I have also learned that unless I can be kind to myself I usually don't have much of a chance of being kind to those I find 'difficult'. This of course in no news for those practicing metta, [or probably anyone] you always start with yourself when it comes to loving kindness meditation.

However what do you do when you are so stressed that everything, even things you like, seem like 'shoulds'? When you feel like you are just so overwhelmed by events that you can't just 'be' anymore? How to be kind to yourself when you feel like your heart wouldn't recognize kindness if it slept with you?

Right now I'm at the point where I ask myself 'what sounds like fun or easy?' and I am just accepting that the answer may be long time in coming. It just is.

So there are my babblings on kindness, shoulds and stress for the day. Not sure why I wanted to write about them but I did. It may help a bit to bring my awareness to the process and not stay in the middle of it.

Times like these make me wish for the ocean, I need more space.

wrapping up a week and blech goodbyes

Word count=62,022
Today I am not going to say 'where did the week go?' I am aware this week of the major suckitude that happened and why I missed my blog.
To sum up:

Work = big stress + funeral type atmosphere
This is partially caused by the fact that we are losing team members to a lay off at the end of the month. And everyone is fairly sure more layoffs are coming in April. Such a cheerful vibe at work.
Computer=nasty virus and death
My main laptop [work] caught big bad virus Tuesday. I do express my gratitude to the awesome guys who already had my new laptop on order and got it configured in record time this week. But now everything I do is slooooow, because I am redoing all my settings that were lost on the old one. Of course plus side new much needed laptop!
Surprise = big gulpy shock that I am processing
I got a big surprise from a friend this week. It's not really a bad surprise [not like November] but still. I am great in an emergency, but with other kinds of surprises the processing is pretty slow or awkward or something. I sit down now and my brain goes 'huh, what do I think about that surprise and what if anything should be done?'
Goodbyes = letting go?
I started thinking about how I dislike goodbyes when I had to take down the tree. We got an eastern balsam this year and it was a very dry fire hazard. It had to move on. I didn't want it to leave, I love it. That reminded me of all the times when goodbyes make me anxious. Not always, sometimes I feel the space of 'yes, it's time for this thing to end and me to move on' and life is full of ease. But sometimes goodbyes stress me out. And I can't find the pattern to it. Is it because I am not feeling finished? Is it because I don't want the fun to end? Is it because I am dreading the next thing coming up? Does some of this relate to childhood abandonment issues?

Just writing this though reminds me of the great things about the week. Like cheering on a friend who just started a new job, taking my first cycle class and loving it, having an awesome dinner and breakfast with friends, taking Friday off, new cheerful haircut, first monthly Resiliency follow up, January thaws, being in bed by 8pm Friday night and having a writing buddy [mini nanowrimo].

So I will gently commit [no shoulds] to getting some painting and writing done, to getting my new camera out of the box, to enjoy ECD tomorrow night and just be patient with surprises and goodbyes. All of us doing the best we can here. Here's hoping this next week has more space for fun.

exercise irritation snippet

Word count: 59,454 [closing in on 60K]
Missed a workout with a good friend yesterday which bummed me out, not sure if it was the work stress shooting through the roof or if I am 'fighting off' some illness that is stalking me.

Right now I am guessing stress because usually when I am getting sick I sleep a lot and last night sleep was eluding me. I thought and dreamed about many silly things so before I go work out and then write more I need to share an irritation. Perhaps in the sharing it will become lighter.

Why is it that work out clothes always seem to be cut small and are hardly ever made for bigger women? It is a lucky day for me right now if I can fit into a piece of XL exercise clothing, I can't imagine what women bigger than I do. I mean we all need to exercise, right? Why not have a range of sizes, including big ones? Or wait, is there some exercise clothing warehouse I am unaware of the already does this? If so please share, because I doubt I am alone in my frustration. Ok, off to get the happy pill of exercise!

You always remember your first...knitting swap PT 1

It's an emotional time in a knitter's life when she has done her first swap and I have just completed mine--at least my package is in the mail and I have gotten mine this past weekend.

It was a beautiful package. The outside of the box was decorated. The was a fest music mix CD, great chocolate and my beautiful knitted item. Everything was wrapped in cheerful tissue paper. Really, it was like opening a box of spring time. My scarf/necklet was knit from a lovely wool [in garnet] that I have heard of but never bought. I wish you all could feel how cozy and soft it is. I feel very spoiled [in the best way] by the giver, who is not blogless and you will see is an extremely creative and talented person.

I can only hope that my own recipient feels the same way about my box.

I know this is a stressful time for many not just me. The 2 shooting sprees this week show that in a horrible way. My stress feels puny [but still anxiety provoking] in the face of those who are worried about keeping their children fed and a roof over their heads.

It makes me more grateful for things like this swap and the chance to take part of it. Or Iowa's recent decision to legalize marriages between all adults. It is so wonderful to be able to remember kindness. It is lovely to reach out to strangers in a caring way. It is something be reminded that people can tend toward love and not because they fear retribution or punishment.

I feel blessed.

in the mourning

One thing I think we are lacking in our culture is space for mourning. Perhaps because it is sad and not fun and quiet and lasts awhile. It is linked with discomfort.  So it is brushed under the rug. Or it comes out sideways as anger or something else. I am not saying that mourning is lovely and I enjoy doing it but I want to acknowledge that mourning comes with changes and is inescapable like change itself.

Most people will at least accept that mourning is part of a 'negative' change like death or divorce, but few seem to think of the mourning that goes along with anything ending. You buy your first house, you love it and you can't wait to live there. You are probably going to mourn something about your last home. Even if it's the color of paint on the walls.

I am so happy to be marrying my sweetie but I still mourn things. I mourn my much cleaner apartment. I mourn looking around my home and just seeing me, my stuff. I mourn the mental space that I had that is now given to compromising, connecting and communicating. I don't want things to be any different, they'll change soon enough, but still I miss stuff from my past.

These are not pleasant feelings and it would be so easy to just shove them away under planning and details and duties. But that makes me feel sadder. I loved my last apartment, I loved not seeing anyone else's mess. I notice that committing to someone full time does take time. Certainly my 'me time' has changed in quantity. I miss casualness. I appreciate that time and place in my past. and I am not going to just walk away without saying good bye and it might take me a while.

first freak out

I have had time to think over the past few days and had my first official freak out about the wedding. I think it was nudged by my mother's concern that my sleeveless dress won't cover my tattoo which 'won't look very elegant'. I laughed it off but it totally fed into my 'why am I wearing a ivory dress?' thoughts. Then it just blossomed into: it's all too traditional and too weird and no one will have a nice time and why the heck are we doing this; we're gay and maybe my fiancee hates everything we planned and eloping is sounding pretty good and, and, and.

DF reassured me that the reasons we made the plans we made are still valid. We could have planned a romantic woodland ceremony but that would have been iffy in October as well as quite hard on our elderly guests. No this isn't the only type of wedding we would like but it will be nice, and then we'll have a great dinner and party afterwards.

I reassured myself that I do not have to wear the dress I bought if I decide not to. Although I think I'll love it once it is altered to me. I am not stuck with it. I can go buy dark red if I want. I basically feel more rational again so that is good. Wow weddings are something.

I also enjoyed reading Stalling's: 'offbeat Bride' and Wicoff's: 'I do but I don't'. Both quite thought provoking though coming from a straight feminist perspective is not always the same as a gay perspective.

The first day of being engaged--looking back

It was great, we were engaged. I expected it and I didn't all at the same time. I was surprised, especially by the timing.

A part of me relaxed. Something clicked into place. 'Ah we are both headed for the same destination". I liked that feeling.

Then by the next day my stress levels started to rise. I didn't get much sleep that first week. It was one thing to plan on being married 'some day'. It was another to suddenly have a wedding to plan, an actual wedding to plan.

We talked about a date. We both wanted an autumn wedding. My fiancée like the idea of October better than late September. "More fallish', she said. Not too late in October though, not is Minnesota, because then you are risking cold weather. So we settled on October 6 with September 29 as an alternate date. Great. That was easy.

Our Unitarian Universalist Church was free on October 6, so was the hall. As a member, many fees are waived. I put our names down. Venue chosen

Then, being number oriented, I started counting. That was less than 9 months away. That was not much time, not at all.

Then I wrote to tell my hard of hearing parents the good news. I wanted them to know as soon as possible but I didn't want to be shouting it into the phone. So I mailed a letter the next day and waited. Mail delivery takes forever to their part of AZ. I have been out to my family for years but still getting married takes it to a whole new level. I wasn't completely positive they would come, pretty sure, but not positive. More stress.

Newly Engaged but? blissful

I got engaged on January 20 2007. My girlfriend proposed. I was happy but felt stressed out at the same time. A weird state of 'happy-stress'. It was different but luckily short-lived.

I think engagements are rather fascinating in geeral. They are such finite periods of time [usually]. Our wedding is set for October 6, 2007.

I haven't found much online in the way of engagement blogs, much less gay engagement blogs. And I have been looking for weeks. [since I got engaged] Perhaps most are too busy during this time to blog?

I'm going to try to do it. It may be useful to others. I'm pretty sure it will be useful to me.