metphors work!

So back here I talked about my needing a metaphor that enabled me to interact with the changes at work that would keep me sane. One that that felt comfortable.

I did find my metaphor during the following week but I wasn't sure if I was going to blog about it. It seemed that it was so specific for me that it couldn't be of any use to anyone else. A couple of friends convinced me otherwise.

So here it goes, my work = an active drunk.
As soon as I made that connection so many things improved for me. For one thing I stopped thinking I was in some way responsible for their erratic behavior and choices. Then I realized I needed to take care of me and not try to take care of them or make things better for them. I needed to act responsibly and ethically but I didn't need to expend energy on trying to save them. I didn't cause their crazy behavior, I certainly can't change or cure it.

In other words I expanded the 12th step in Al-Anon in a new empowering way that works for me. By seeing my work as an active drunk I can let go of a lot of unrealistic expectations. For instance I no longer expect them to behave rationally, that would just be silly. I also realize their view of reality is warped and that I do not need to buy into it. I just let go.

This isn't to say work doesn't still annoy me at times but now I know how to respond in a way that eases stress for me. As always in letting go you get free. I have peace back, even if some days I get through one hour at a time.
I can maintain a sense of compassion as well. Especially for my coworkers trying to deal with the same drinker.

Seriously, it has been quite fabulous. I don't know how meaningful this will be for someone who is not used to 12 step programs though. [or really anyone] but then I guess you never know. I am so grateful though. peace out.

It's a pretty fabulous world.

what! work isn't fun?

[Uploaded a profile picture that I took in India, not of me]
Shocking realization. My work = not fun and high stress.

I reread some old journals recently and realized that work has been stressful for ...can it be since I started this job?! You know I think that's true, I remember watching the woman who hired me [who I like] create such a hostile atmosphere in her office that my new coworker started crying. I remember going back to my office after that panicked 'did I take the right job? I should have went with the state job'

There are parts of my job that I love. There is stuff that I hate and I don't believe it would change much in a different place. I don't believe in perfect...anything. In this climate of layoffs I feel nothing but gratitude that I have a job at all. So many do not have this.

I know someone who was in a very bad ski accident this week. The brain damage could be permanent. I look at my suddenly much smaller problems. I don't want to compare but I can't seem not to...things could be so much worse. Then I try to guard against is getting super critical of myself because it is so easy to go there.

In the sauna yesterday a friend was prodding me. She was concerned about my stress levels. She wanted to know what I was going to do. How I was going to take care of myself [by getting away from this job specifically]? She pointed out how bad it was to be under stress all the time.

I tried to explain to her that doing resumes, looking for something else that all takes energy and would be stressful. Which would not be a short term gain. I am trying to guard my time off, to exercise and take care of myself in other ways. ... But I feel limited.

ouch. Limited. Why does that sound so bad? Aren't we all limited by our breath, gravity, and an infinity of other stuff?

It seems particularly hard to recognize what should change and what to accept.
I guess I am not feeling very wise right now.

India prep

Indirectly my upcoming trip to India is having a huge impact on this blog. If days go by and I haven't posted it's usually because my head is spinning from prepping for India.

Getting ready to go to India for business is a project all on it's own. There is a lot of paperwork to coordinate for the visa, there is a lot of work prep to be done and then it all has to be balanced with personal needs that a month long stay entails. Not to mention trying to schedule tourist trips on the weekends.

When I am in India this blog will be all about India at that time. I am hopeful that I can detail quite a bit about my experiences while they are fresh right here.

For now I will say that I am so excited and dreading it at the same time. The dread is not very serious, it comes from so many unknowns rushing at me in a short time. 'will I hate it? will I be homesick? will I get sick? will training be hard? will it be dangerous? will I have time to myself? how will I arrange my weekends? will there be time to have fun? will I bring the right stuff? will I have suitable clothes? will people realize I am gay? will there be lots of personal questions?' and on and on and on.

I am looking forward to it at the very same time. I believe it will be a mind blowing change in my life, and I cannot believe it is happening! I feel so lucky, and a teeny bit sad about missing mich fest this year. Oh well. August in India will be something all right.

sleep is missing

Before I forget, go grill some veggies. Don't wait, you'll love it. They are to die for that way. The kohlrabi was exquisite grilled. I found myself munching on a piece while I was getting ready for work even.

We have mostly eaten our way through the huge amount of veggies we had in the fridge. Which is good because our roommate is coming home from France and she needs to be able to get her food in there.

This is the tiredest I have been in a long time. Is tiredest even a word? I can't even tell at this point. I am doing some preparatory training for work remotely with the people in India. Since they are 10.5 hours ahead of us I was waking myself up at 4 am, so that I could start my class at 5:30. Now I am a zombie. Friday I get to wake up even earlier.

It is very strange training long distance, especially when you can't actually see the people who you are training. I just realized it's a little bit like blogging. hmm, I would think about that if I was able. As it is I think I'll just go sit in a heap until bedtime, maybe stare at the garden.

working in India

Did I mention I may be traveling to India?
kidding. I know that I did. It's just such a huge thing that I frequently say the above outloud as I try to adjust to the notion.

Part of me doesn't want to think about it too much since nothing is definite. But it would be such an incredible thing I have to give myself time to get used to it. I have to research it and establish some comfort with the idea.

I may go to India this year. Unbelievable. I have been doing quite a bit of reading and thinking because that is how I normally respond to new possibilities. It has been quite mind blowing.

I love one of the descriptions of first arrival in India, I think it was on the indiaMike forum. Imagine that an international pop star is arriving at the airport, there are 1000s of shouting people there because of this, the place is crammed. And this is what stepping out of an international Indian airport is like at 3 am on just a normal day.

My work will be putting me up in a 5 star hotel, the nightly price is unreal compared to what average indians make. We fly business class. The security dogs will sniff the car before entering the hotel chekcing for gun powder. There will be poverty everywhere. Yet my colleagues in India are in such demand that they can get 30 other job offers the moment they walk out of the building. So many contrasts to the US where most of us don't know what will happen to our jobs. One dollar is worth over 50 rupees right now.

I will not simply be a tourist answerable only to me, but I will have to work for weeks in new challenging conditions. At the same time this should be great, I will be able to meet my coworkers, have people to talk to and ask for advice. The one co-worker that is likely to travel from here with me is a peach. I don't know who else may be going. I can't believe how complicated it is just getting a travel Visa.

Then I need to plan what I will do with the extra time over there, so much to see in such a huge place. How will I get time to myself? Wow, it's just wow all over. I feel giddy and nervouse and enraptured and a bit ill all at once at the thought of it all.

I hope I get the chance. Things look good so far. They had me apply for my travel American Express and I already have a passport. They have sent me the documentation to read.

There is so much to wrap my head around. To feel so lucky at the same time there is all this uncertainty in this country. I guess that's one of the reasons for yoga, to work on the balance I so need.