the sovereignty and change challenge

One of my favorite authors wrote another post about sovereignty. I love mulling over her thoughts on this topic. I have been thinking about sovereignty all year [though not really writing about it]

Today I was feeling sad about all the change in my life. And how I don't like them. I'm not even really analyzing the changes, I am just feeling tons of aversion and feeling/thinking 'ack I do not like'. Then after the mulling I realized something.
this Change make me feel less sovereign.

The illusion of control that I always think I don't believe in is still dear to me on some levels. and when tons of change that I don't like swirl all around me, affecting me, I feel less in control of me, my life, my person. I start feeling invaded. Which then just increases the aversion to the change. This change I can't control, I never did. But somehow I was still fooling myself thinking that I did.

For instance, I can accept that there are tons of stuff related to the gulf oil spill I have no control over, it affects me in a way, it grieves me. However it does not personally rock my sense of personal safety. Perhaps because I don't have a lot of expectations? Oh and I live on the other side of the country. When I look out of my window I do not see the gulf or shore.

I can use the above as a mirror of what is happening to me with these hated changes. Most of the changes I am dealing with have been made by the very large company where I work. I have no control over them and I never did. These changes are right in my back yard though, every time I look in a certain direction I see them. I feel like they are something I need to avoid, resist, fight in order to maintain any peace for me [and any piece of me]

I would love if I could somehow know clearly that while these changes may grieve me, they may certainly affect me, that they don't impinge on the real me, my safety, my sovereignty. I would love to feel that in my gut and my neck.

This is yours big company, this is not me. This over here...still me.


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