pattern: angst and indecision

*spell check is flaking out on me for this post, good spellers read at your own risk*

As a personal gift from her Godmother I made Kat a sweet cross stitch for her bedroom. This was the first time in years that I have cross stitched and I enjoyed it.

So last week I was packing for four days at the cotttage and I had a brilliant thought. Why not bring up that garden cross stitch pattern that I love but have never started. It's the perfect, rewarding way to celebrate a long weekend up at the cottage.

So I look for it. I have all my craft stuff in 3 boxes in my office closet. It's a bit jumbled together but at least it is fairly well contained. The pattern is not there. I then look in a couple of places where I occasionally stash craft stuff in case it had migrated elsewhere without me remembering. Not there. Then I start tearing my closet apart looking into everything on the off chance I put it in something else but close by...then I start tearing apart my office...by the time my frezied looking spread to the hall closet I was tearing up. It was so frustrating, especially since I am a fairly organized person. Does this mean I get more frustrated with myself than care free types would? It was such a huge dissapointment, ever since I had thought of taking it I really looked forward to it.

I had an angry argument with myself when I couldn't find it. [no one else to blame] then I started panicking, what if it was gone for good? I couldn't even remember the designer off hand, and what if it was no longer available? The glass was not half full that day.

But I remembered enough to find it online [after our weekend] fairly easily. It is still available, and now I faced with the sure knowledge that if I buy it again I will surely find my old copy immediately afterwards. And now I am second guessing myself, do I really want to do this pattern? Perhaps I should buy one of the other ones? Perhaps the reason I didn't start it for all these years is because I didn't really want to do it?

So it has kind of ended happily. The pattern is not gone forever but now that I am removed from the immediate gratification [potential] of the moment I don't know what I want to do. Perhaps after my PMS is over the answer will come to me. I can't seem to make a decision, any decisions, at this moment.