I had plans for this post that were partly derailed by YouTube. I had several posting ideas but this one spoke to me most strongly so I guess I will do it anyway and work around the video lack.
Since September 2009 I have had 8 people die that affected my life directly. Of course being human I think about how all this death affects me. Though I am deeply aware that death casts it's affect over a large group. Some of these beings were close to me, some not. Some were family, some friends. One committed suicide and one was murdered. Some were elderly and may have welcomed death. Some were complete surprises. *sigh*
When I think about them all as a group words like grief and pain come to mind. Mostly I don't really know where to go from here. It seems each time after I incorporate a death a bit another one hits me. Each death has changed me and it's at the point now where sometimes I look inside and don't recognize myself anymore. Like my internal landscape is being terraformed.
I stumbled upon a song which really sums up my emotional state after all these deaths and I wanted to link to a video for it but it seems one doesn't exist. Too bad. But all of Glow's music is on CD Baby you can check it out if you want.
I feel like I am 15 years old again and a bit silly having a song speak that strongly for and to me, it seems a bit odd. But who am I to deny the comfort the universe offers.
I am not sure how much just the lyrics will convey, The song is Regret from the album Rain Theory:
I'm coming to terms with what could have been
And I'm scared
You were one of thousands one of many
But you're the one that I miss
What did I do, what did I say
Can I go back, there is no way
What would you think if I called you now
What would you say, what would you say
Coming to terms with what could have been
What would you say
I miss your violin in my living room
Your violin in my living room
© 2003 Glow
I have been assured that all this death swirling around is not typical, but I wonder. Perhaps it is and I was just asleep before?