Turning down the volume

I have been working on eating the correct amount of food for a person who weighs 58 pounds less. I have been somewhat successful.

I have noticed that I tend to cook too much.
I tend to put too much on my plate.
It was harder up at the lake as I was out of my routines.
I tend to want to finish off what it on my plate because I am lazy about putting food away.
I am noticing that my brain still thinks I need to eat more when my body feels full, stuffed even.
I can tell I need to keep doing thought work and stop blunting my feelings with food.
I am still trying to re-define the parts of my life that revolved around food.
I have been peering at naturally thin people's serving sizes to get used to new amounts I am shooting for.
I don't expect everyday to be the same.

Headed back for the lake and determined to make this weekend more successful than my last trip. I will figure this out! For sure.

post Europe

Well my vacation is over and the 4+ days of jet-lag have almost cleared out. I was super happy to see that I did not gain weight over my vacation even though there was quite a bit of carbs and wine over the 2+ weeks. 

In fact it seems that my weight range has shifted downwards by about 3#. 

I attribute that to being in a totally different food environment and my overall stress levels being lower and all the food being different on the micro level. Different water and different soils growing the food.  The same thing happened to me the last time I spent a couple of weeks in Europe. Of course my activity levels are also different. I tend to do lots of walking on vacation. Most days I walked until my feet were sore and I almost limped back to the apartment.

I feel so much more confident going forward with my eating and maintaining my weight loss. Although I probably will not make my goal of 100 pounds gone in a year I still feel good about my (slow) downward weight trend and my increasing health and comfort.

Now I am looking forward to the rest of the summer. Doing some fasting. Maybe doing a bit of carnivore for a couple of week or months. Or perhaps I will wait for cool weather to do that...
 

remembering to breathe

or perhaps breathe deeply?

I am getting ready for vacation and everything is very full of stuff, both work and personal life. Wrapping up projects, sorting packing questions and arranging pup care are a needed yet stressful parts of the preparation. 

My success at work-travel, fasting and eating aside. I find that a 2 week vacation is raising a different set of questions. Do I want to take my meter to measure glucose and ketones occasionally?  (yes) Is it worth it to buy a small traveling scale as I feel that helps my overall awareness level? (probably) Am I ready to interact with food and eating on vacation in a new way? (um...sure?) Can I relax and reach for more intuitive eating patterns? (that would be nice) Can I accept that I can not make concrete plans as a lot of travel to a new place deals with facing the unknown? (yes, fortunately I don't have to like it) 

So ... I am going to do my best. Focus on relaxing more than fasting. Focus on awareness of the new and wonderful more than worrying about all the stuff I don't know or can't plan. Focus on pleasure and light.  Focus on trusting my body.

And remember to breathe deeply as often as possible!

secret messages in Ontario

Ontario. I never knew how incredibly beautiful you are.

My two days driving through you were a constant delight consisting of lakes, rocks and stunning autumnal trees. I like to drive in general but Ontario made it an unforgettable experience.

Is there a reason why no one ever told me how great it was? Did I miss that information somehow? I am so glad I know about you now.

Also the picnic table signs on the highway that I finally realized meant "there's a rest stop up here" so charming I can hardly stand it. My new favorite restroom metaphor.

Once again Canada makes my heart sing.

we visit chez panisse and the redwoods

We drove over to Berkeley. The last time I had taken the BART under the Bay so it was fun to see all the gorgeous views from the bridge. We were early and knew it but we checked in at Chez Panisse anyway and they were able to seat us in 5 minutes. Chez Panisse has a large reputation in this country and our food was very good. I could nit-pick at it but I don’t think there is much point. Everyone’s experience is so different.

I will say the lamb and duck were sublime. My wife said the oysters were fabulous as was the almond cake. My artichoke salad got better as I ate it, which was a rather strange experience. The chardonnay I drank very good. The servers, 2 out of 3, very nice. An enjoyable meal, with a laid back Berkeley vibe, craftsman decor.

I took quite a bit of time to process my experience and try to separate it from hype. I realized I would rather eat at Travail or Piccolo. I was surprised, that wasn’t what I was expecting but it was true. The next time I am in the Bay Area I’ll be trying other places before I make another reservation there. It just didn’t wow me into “I can’t wait to go back there”. I am glad though that I went once to such an iconic eatery. .

The next day was wonderful. We saw family in the city for coffee and then drove north to Muir Woods and spent hours with the redwoods. The cafe on site serves local organic food handy for lunch. Then more time at Muir beach, then quick fish tacos at Joe's in Mill Valley before heading south to Montara and dinner with some family on the shore. Caught the red eye home and managed to nap on the nearly empty plane.

It was 4 very busy, wonderful days. We enjoyed it but it certainly did make us tired. At least my energy is returning to pre chicken pox levels so that is great. We left spring in northern CA in time for real spring in MN, at last!

traveling in CA

The day after the wedding was sunny on the Monterey peninsula. We lucked out for breakfast, there was a fabulous cafe and bakery right across from the hotel. I would certainly make a point of going back to the wild plum the next time I was in the area.

Then we spent a couple of hours wandering over pebble beach in the wind and sunshine. I was amazed how not crowded it was and parking was easy. We then headed north on 1 to San Francisco stopping for a good sandwich at Emily's. Another delightful find. After Santa Cruz there was again very little traffic, clouds increased as we headed north. The views were spectacular and the beaches all fairly empty. There were several near misses with other autos, my heart got quite the workout.

Soon we were in front of our hotel unloading and absolutely delighted. We booked it through Hotwire and it certainly worked out great. Small rooms, clean, friendly, very European in the vibe, great decor, lots of extra touches including a pillow menu. We would definitely go back. While it was still light, we found the parking garage, strolled around a bit and I realized I was getting some blisters from the sand at the beach earlier. We were pretty tired from the past 3 days, so we just went into a random Japanese restaurant up the street. My bowl of Udon was way too big, especially since there was no way of taking it with me.

The next morning we ate breakfast at the hotel which was fine. Our waiter was pretty poor but all the other hotel staff were great. Then we took a fun walk through the city to the Ferry Building and all around that area. There were so many great places to eat lunch it was hard to choose but I had a scrumptious sole sandwich from somewhere.

We hopped on a bus [going uphill] and went over to Chinatown and wondered for a few blocks then back to the hotel for vacation naps. That may have been the only time the room felt a bit small, but for such a short stay it wasn't really an issue.

Next up Berkeley and dinner at Chez Panisse

family weddings

So the main reason behind the mini vacation was one of my nephews was getting married. The wedding was at Spanish Bay, so Saturday morning we drove from San Francisco to the Spanish Bay Inn is 2.5 hours. Down Hwy 1. Some native Californians may need to pick themselves off the floor.

We didn't realize what amazing time we had made and we can't quite account for our luck now that we know about it. Was all the rain that day keeping people home? Were others avoiding Hwy 1 fearing wash outs? Was it because I'm from Pennsylvania and I am very comfortable driving on curvy, hilly, narrow roads even in the rain?

Whatever the reason it was brilliant because due to the flight delay the day before we really did not have one extra second and the wedding was at 11 am. It was a nice drive. I was amazed how homey and comfortable I feel on narrow, hilly roads. Minnesota still seems so flat to me.

We had a great time at the wedding. The service was a lovely mix of Buddhist/Western, the appetizers stellar [best scallops ever], lovely wine and lunch. Only silly things went wrong which is typical for any wedding.

Then we were off to find the hotel I had hotwired which had ended up being one that was recommended in the invitation package. Casa Munras was nice, we got a great deal price-wise and there was a fabulous cafe right across the street. As always the pillows were too much for me but this is true everywhere.

After some time to catch our breath in the room we made it back to the resort rather late for the after party and had some lovely chats before getting back at midnight and collapsing into bed. Family duty done for the trip. It was great to see so much of my family.

the first week of spring and vacation starts

Well the first week of spring had lots of rain and inches of slushy snow. So no running outside yet. And my entire house went on a shoveling strike.

Then I got ready for our trip to CA and there was spring! We spent 4+ days in Monterey and San Francisco. There were lots of green trees and flowers, lots of rain the first 2 days and lots of green. It was brisk on the coast but just delightful.

The getting to CA was a bit fraught, a starter blew on the engine and had to be replaced so we sat in the plane at the gate for 2+ hours. It was dark and pouring when we arrived and impossible to find the key my sister had hidden no matter how hard we tried. I did meet the neighborhood skunk and thankfully did not get sprayed. Luckily the rehearsal dinner had ended early and we got specific directions for key hunting and collapsed. The sea crashed all night long, I kept waking up and hearing it and falling back asleep happy.

Our mini vacation just kept on getting better from then on...

vacation downside

and I don't mean the bugs!

great vacation = time away from work = very full inbox at work on return = so much time trying to get caught up + special work projects ==> no time to blog for days!

There have to be jobs out there when you don't come back to a bigger pile and end up having to pay for your vacation, right?

There is just guilt all around this situation for me. Guilt that I am complaining about the effects of a paid vacation [oh poor me], guilt about having a job when so many do not [how dare I not appreciate it], and overwhelming guilt that really why do I take vacations at all...

I read a startling statistic in the Lonely American last week ...'Americans workers gave back, or didn't take advantage of, 574 million vacation days in 2005'.

This just stuns me. And this wasn't me, the only days I 'don't take' are the ones I can carry over for the next year, and that is just 40 hours at my company. Why does vacation have to have negative consequences for me and what can I do to change that?

Do other people struggle with this? Do other people have success just walking away for a week or two saying to themselves 'no one is indispensable' and can just let it go? Currently I am an odd mix of the two. A work in progress.

knitting completion and recharge

Although they had some periods of agonizing slowness I did get my 2 knitting projects done. Though not by the end of May or even the end of June, although not for lack of trying on my part.

Let's concentrate on the part where the knitting got done and how I am pretty happy with it. I think I showed true creative tenacity in sticking with those projects when all kinds of roadblocks popped up. I even succeeded in keeping comparisons to a minimum [like RWC encouraged] And now I seem to have flowed into one of those periods where the yarn feels right and there is all kinds of ease...my creativity flowing out of my fingers naturally and thought not getting in the way.

Lots of credit has to go to my fiber partner who devised a brilliant series of creative workshops full of fiber that could be successful under less than ideal conditions. [think outside, no shelter/roof, with only 2 tables, heat, humidity, large numbers of participants and running water 50 yards away]. The effect it had on me was like a huge creative battery getting recharged.

'see this is what is possible...' It pushed the limits of my creative process in the best ways. Then towards the end of the week the 'learn to knit' where I watched again people getting it as I varied the ways to show them, connect them. I was reconnected with my knitting on a visceral level, funny how teaching can do that for you. It was like they were sharing the new neural pathways they were creating with me.

The Festival can have a profound effect on one if you are in a place to receive that. This year I was given so many gifts of focus and connection, it was delightful and unexpected. My self care was spot on, truly came from a place of listening clarity. I was also so honoured to have a framework where I could give from my heart, truly it can be a delight to give from a place of ease, it only increases joy. Even the resultant tiredness in the extreme humidity was just what it was. No issue.

Well I'm babbling and full of woo, as you can tell. Words can't really describe how glorious it was. Probably silly of me to try. Ease to all.

running nowhere week 8

My running at the festival did not go as I had hoped. In fact my whole 'week 8' got derailed.

First every time I tried to run my 28 minutes it just didn't work out, my podcasts kept on cutting out on me, which would throw me off. I was left not really knowing how long or far I ran. Just small challenges but enough to confuse me.

Then there was the muggy blanket of humidity that wrapped all of us in MI. In order to run in some comfort and have time to shower I would need to get up very early before it got totally oppressive. But most nights were quite noisy until late. Even with earplugs it was hard falling asleep. Getting up at dawn just did not seem like good self care. I couldn't prepare.

So I just let it go. I was getting tons of other exercise just walking everywhere all the time. I think I only took the shuttles once the whole week. When I woke up on Saturday/race morning it was cooler but that was the only time all week. I wasn't prepared to run though. And the 8 am starting time just seemed too late, it heated up so fast.

I realize now that it wasn't meant to be this year. A race during August heat was too much of challenge for my new self. I think I'll shoot for late September or October if I can find one not on asphalt. Meanwhile life is returning back to usual, the heat looks like it may be breaking for at least the next few days and I am hopeful I'll get a few runs in. Send me good luck and happy exercising all!

it is a bit embarassing

But rock on Mexico.

One of my best moments of my vacation was last Wednesday night. Phone service is spotty in central Michigan, there aren't any computers so I fall out of touch with the rest of the world but during one of the intermissions they announced from the stage that Prop 8 had been ruled unconstitutional. The cheers rang out and I burst into tears feeling like my heart was soaring? singing? Just feeling I guess. It was intense in the best way.

There I was with a celebrating group thousands strong. And I was reminded that life is very good and there is so much to find joy in and to have all those women to celebrate it with was just icing on the cake.

The sangha of woman at the MWMF is a beautiful and uplifting experience though full of very imperfect beings, myself included. But the transcending of all our individual pains and imperfections is a glorious thing. This is one of the reasons I go; to remember how to be a part of a community and to feel safety.

Someone should have told me

Seriously, there I was driving through the UP in Michigan for the first time ever. It is beautiful, warm, charming. People are speeding like maniacs and I feel perfectly at home.

Then I start seeing the signs. PASTIES. The first few times as I cruised by at 70+ mph [and being passed constantly] I thought I was seeing things. But no.

UP Michigan is full of shops that make Cornish Pasties. Unbelievable and yummy. No one told me. How many years did I lose? I cursed the ham and cheese sandwiches I had prudently stored in my cooler thinking I wouldn't be able to find anything to eat.

So I am telling you all. Are you thinking you need to make a long awaited trek to Britain for your pasty fix? Not so. They are closer than you think.

More about vacation coming up.

Death of a Screened Tent

So I like to plan things. But I am also trying to just get stuff done with some grace and not drive myself [and others] crazy with the planning and preparing. Have I mentioned I am married to a non-planner?

So it wasn't until last week that I got around to airing out my screened tent for use at the cottage and camping next month. [I am so relaxed, see?] It hadn't been used at all last year due to my trip to India. As I erected it I noticed that 3 of the 4 poles seemed stressed, like they had been bent incorrect ways. It wasn't helping matters that I was attempting to put it up myself. I forgot that it really takes 2 people. I gave up because I was afraid of breakage. When my wife got home she helped me get it up properly and we left it up to breathe. There was rain coming that night, which we figured would be a good test of its' dependability.

The next morning it was in a twisted heap in the yard, poor thing.

We assessed; all the poles were shot and replacement poles cost $19 dollars each. I was hesitant to spend that much money, $76 on a tent that had only handled 4 weeks of work over the past 3 years. I was quite aggravated with it. I then questioned if we really needed a screen tent , to which my wife who knows me pretty well said 'yes'.

So off to Craig's list where my wife's luck was fortunately in full flow. She found a fabulous little/never used tent. It would sleep 7 [...children under10 or 3 adults] and it had an attached smallish 'screened porch' AND it was only $65 [proceeds going to an animal charity]. I had been wanting a tent I could stand up in, and here it was plus the screened room. I'll have to adjust not having them apart but I decided what the heck. It will be pretty brilliant for overflow at the cottage as well.

We put it carefully up and I reeled back stunned. It's called a 'lodge', but seriously it's like a palace. wow. It's like HP4 at the Quidditch world cup [peacocks not included].

Thank goodness for the kindness of campers because you would have to be a giant [or have magic] to put this one up by yourself. It stood up to a good storm, and then I seam sealed it and let it dry then miracles of miracles we managed to get it all back into the bag. It may just be magic now that I think of it.

So we now have a palace to camp in, we'll see how it holds up to conditions in the field next month. [but it doesn't have closets]

Where will you be the first week of August 2010?

The advanced sale ticket deadline for the Michigan womyn's music festival is rapidly approaching, June 10. It's not too late to call. Ticket information is here.

Going to the festival is a unique experience for every woman. I knew about it for years before I finally said to myself Enough dithering, this year I am going no matter what! I am so happy that I did.

Some of my favorite parts; showering under the stars. Watching some of the little girls run around in fairy wings feeling totally safe. Really unplugging from the electronic world and the clock. Taking time to listen to just me and feel sad or happy, lonely or contented. Chatting with womyn from all over. Exploring wild and weird workshops. Waking up to the sound of dozens of voices chanting. Just being in a culture that makes room for mothers and children and acknowledges their work. Being blown away by some of the music. Walking in the woods in the middle of the night feeling protected and cherished. Watching sisters move through lifelong issues.

That's just me though, it is different for every attendee with something for all. It works as long as you are aware you cannot possibly do it all. Maybe this year I'll finally take in a movie.

I hope each of you get some peace and time just for yourself this summer and maybe I'll see some of you in Michigan.

parental challenges

This past week got sucked up with my parents in the best way. Next time I am going away and thinking that I will have lots of time to write and blog and rest someone should shoot me an email and tell me to wake up! It just doesn't seem to work that way.

But that is ok, my parents are in their 80s and live in palm springs, I don't see them that often at all. I thought I would have a lot of down time with them but my mum was a powerhouse this week, I am amazed at all that we got done. Mostly xmas shopping and baking, but also a trip to Mexico for prescription refills.

The best part was really seeing my parents and spending concentrated time with them. It is so hard to say good bye though when I leave. I feel guilty that I am not around to care for them more. I also wonder if I will see them again.

I guess that is true of everyone we say good bye to we don't know for sure that we will see anyone again but with elderly parents the thought seems to be at the forefront. There was a surreal moment when I hugged my mum, and even though she is shorter than me somehow my head fit onto her shoulder and I was a little girl again.

It scares me so much that some day I will be a girl without a living mother, and yet I know virtually all women go through this. It is just a part of life. Not to be morbid, death just seems very close this month. oh well.

there is sun here

Word count: 52698 some done on the plane

Seems like the past 2 days were spent getting here to Palm Springs. It is sunny and quite nice. And there are big piles of dirt and rock everywhere which people call mountains, but don't really do anything for me, I have to admit. Give me an ocean anytime

Still it's lovely to be seeing and helping my parents. It's even rather nice to miss my wife, I feel lucky to have such a nice one to miss. So onward to xmas shopping and baking this week. hohoho

And hopefully an increasing word total.

Ocean relaxation

I have just returned from a 6 day stay in VA Beach with my niece and her family. Computer access was very limited, due mostly to bad luck, so I didn't get to blog nor did I have posts prepared ahead of time.

I would normally feel badly about this but all was made up by the ocean which I visited every day. Yes it was freezing along the shore, didn't matter.

It's been years and years since I have been on the Atlantic Ocean and it was wonderful. I just can't even articulate how much I love the ocean. I could sit beside it for hours just listening to the surf. It feels healing, filling, cheering, bracing --all manner of wonderful things.

I thought about our soon home on the lake. I guess that Carolyn feels many of these same things when she sits by a lake. I wonder what effect it will have on me?

If everything goes well it's less than 3 weeks away! Unreal.

wedding planning weariness

my tiredness with thinking about this wedding has reached new sleepy heights. To be fair, it's not so much the wedding planning but the planning along with everything else in 'life'. I realized a few weeks ago that if I just didn't have that pesky 'working for a living' thing to do I could handle the stress and lists quite well :)

our reception combo cancelled last week. 'something more important came up' and they were gone with nary an apology. this lack of apology sucked but I think we'll be able to find another jazz combo and if not that's why the goddess invented mp3 players.

it's given me a bit of paranoia though..."the caterer hasn't answered my last email in a week, oh no maybe something more important came up for her..." so not rational of me but oh so human.

I am so looking forward to our vacation later this summer. I realize how lucky I am to get a paid vacation and to be able to enjoy it with my sweetie. Even better we'll be camping far from civilization, my to do list will shrink to 'eat breakfast, attend workshop, nap, walk labyrinth, and save seat for concert. Sounds lovely.

my mother has stopped asking me when my shower will be, thank goodness, because I have no idea what date in August or July will be picked. [are they planning on surprising me?] I have a list of tasks to do and none are too overwhelming, it's more the number of them. things are just swirling around. shoes that are comfortable to wear for hours [not found yet], our private ceremony in canada, our honeymoon, unpacking stuff, trying to make deadlines at work, mulch the new flower beds, considering whether to invite born again relatives...

I am finding my engagement requires a lot of energy for processing. even if I don't share it with those around me. now that I think on it that's probably why I am so sleepy. that may also be why there is not much point to this post. my dad would probably ask me if I am getting enough iron. Here I am in my second engagement trimester, and it's like being pregnant in some ways. For sure you need extra sleep!